This last year and all of the craziness that went with it was hard. It was also wonderful and amazing. But, shit did get crazy hard. Being under constant attack by someone who is hellbent on making your life miserable for absolutely no logical reason will take its toll.  I endured it without any response to them. Not one reaction to them about all of the messed up flustercluckery they rained down. It was surprisingly hard.

The reason I say surprisingly is that I generally don’t stand up for myself. I will smile and take copious amounts of verbal excrement without responding in kind. Then I will take a deep breath and try to let it all go. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

But, tonight I didn’t do that.

Tonight I had someone pop up out of the blue raging about some nonsense that I had zero to do with. Normally I would apologize, even though I had nothing to do with what happened. Instead, I let them know I had no idea what they were talking about and wished them a good night.  They then brought up some drama and began to spin a tale in which I should somehow be indebted to them. Indebted to them for things they didn’t even do. I didn’t smile and nod.

I did take a deep breath.  

Then I corrected them.  I called them on everything, gently but firmly. I wished them well but made it quite clear that I was in no way indebted to them for anything.  I sent them away with hugs and hopes for happiness.

And then they really lost their damned mind.

Which I could care less about. It felt REALLY good to get it out.  It felt REALLY good to say “nope, I do not think that means what you think that means.”  It felt REALLY good to not let them bathe me in undue guilt.

It felt REALLY good to truly stand up for me and still be all Namaste.

In the last year of craziness, I learned a thing.  

 A really good thing.

I don’t say it much, but I frequently feel like I’m failing- as a person, as a friend, as a mom, you name it. I feel like I’m flailing my way through life trying to be the best I can be, but the little voice in my head says it’s just not enough. We all have that voice to some extent. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing as all of them at once.

Before I sink too deep in that feeling where I almost can’t breathe, life throws me a line. Last night, before her bath, eldest was (and someday she’ll find out I documented this and probably smack me, but it was such a beautiful moment that I’ll gladly take the hit) dancing in front of the mirror. Wiggling her booty, checking out all her bits and parts while singing “naked baby, naked baby” like they both did frequently during bath time when they were wee little ones. It wasn’t some inappropriate dance of an older woman. It wasn’t the self conscious dance of a tween. It was just pure childlike joy of being naked, alive, and free. I totally cried. She didn’t see me, but I did. I worry so much about them growing too fast or having their own voices in their heads filled with doubt.

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. While I continue to write in my journal regularly, I’ve not been good about getting it online as of late. I’ve had A LOT going through my head over the last few weeks and I need to just purge it out there so I can move on. We all need a good purging and moving on it seems.

I am a geek. I am also a nerd. A dork. A mom. A cancer patient. I am silly. I am smart. I am creative. I have blue eyes. I love wearing lipstick and painting my nails but I have no clue what blush is for. I’m pale, like albino gone wrong pale. I love to read. I love to knit. I love to create. I love cosplay. I love my geek community. All of these things, among hundreds of others, are parts of who I am. What makes me, me.

And I am sad. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am sick to death of all of the hatred out there. It has gotten to the point that I’m starting to see people I respected and admired in a whole different light. A light that I don’t like.

I am also a hypocrite.

I am a hypocrite because I am sick of seeing flaming hate blogposts and giant soapbox blogposts and calls of lynching blogposts. And yet I write a blogpost about it. But mine won’t contain hatred. And I am not on a soapbox. No pointing fingers. No sense of righteousness. Just a plea.

A plea for it all to stop.

One of the best feelings is when you say “well, (insert book/movie/super hero/you name it here) is my favorite.” And another person squees “MINE TOO!” It’s that little spark that creates a bond. When geek finds geek. That’s the stuff that BFFs are made of. I see it with my girls all of the time. Lilest’s first day of Kindergarten she wanted a PB & Banana sandwich cut out like a Millennium Falcon for lunch. When I asked her if she was sure, she replied “that is how I will know who is going to be my friend. If they know what it is, we’re BFFs.”

Since that moment, they’ve both encountered guys and girls that have called them weird for loving Star Wars. There were some rough moments, but they didn’t let it change them. They’ve gotten flack for declaring Twilight silly and offering forth Buffy as “a much better interpretation of a human and vampire love story.” But, they still stand by it. They are only 7 and 8 though and it’s going to get rougher and rougher out there for them.

Especially if they see the adults in the geek community fighting and divided. We are better than this. I’ve seen it. I have seen the incredible things we can accomplish when we work together. When we cheer each other on and support each other. When we don’t shun each other and throw steaming balls of hatred over a disagreement.

We are all human and won’t see eye to eye all the time. That’s normal. But, it’s how we handle the fact that we disagree that matters. If someone doesn’t believe you are a “real geek,” oh well. Their opinion doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t make you any less you. There is no litmus test. There is no one person that has the right to declare that. When you start screaming back and throwing out names and “cred,” you end up sounding just as douchey.

Yes, geek girls do exist. Arguing otherwise at this point is completely and utterly ridiculous. Yes, some of them are gorgeous. Yes, some of them love to wear make up and get dressed up all of the time. Guess what? Some of us aren’t. Some of us are merely average, normal gals that sometimes get all dressed up and sometimes love to rock our geek t’s and jeans. And we’re not any less geeky for that either. Nor are we less awesome. Nor do we love our gorgeous geek sisters any less.

There IS NO STANDARD. Just like there is no one way to geek, there is no one way to look like a geek. And gals, this goes for guys too. Our fellow geek guys are amazing and a ton of them support the Hell out of us. Are we sticking up for them? Not all of them are booty photo snapping, geek girl hating misogynists.

I’ve thought a lot about it, and the ramifications of saying this (and well everything this post contains) and I decided to just get it all out. Backlash be damned. I don’t even expect many to read this.

But, I think it really needs to be said- WE HAVE BECOME OUR OWN WORST BULLIES.

I have seen it over and over. Someone says/blogs/tweets/comments something that someone is hurt/upset by. Instead of handling it like an adult and saying “hey, that hurts” or “hey, that’s not right” and countering it, a whole new blog post is written, followed by “hey look at this person said this to me” is tweeted. Then swarm of people rush to defense and go after the culprit. I am ALL FOR supporting and backing up our friends and our community. The moment we hate mob up after someone though, we are doing it wrong. We are NO BETTER. Yes, disagree. Clearly make your case. But I am seeing one incident after one incident turn into giant snowball of hatred. I’ve seen post after post pop up to cash in on the momentum of the snowball. Who is really winning? NO ONE IS.

I would like to see us all go back to the way things were. To spend FAR LESS ENERGY ON THE NEGATIVE and START APPLYING ALL THAT ENERGY ON THE POSITIVE.

Instead of writing a retort about “poser cosplayers,” let’s write posts on all the positive things cosplayers have done. I know some AMAZING men and women that volunteer their time and cosplay talents to do so much good. Instead of writing a retort about “poser geek girls” let’s write posts about all the awesome geek girls and guys out there and they projects they are working on.

Forget trolls, don’t feed the negative. If you absolutely have to, give it a giant fucking bowl of positive.

Pretty please, let’s let go of all this negativity and get back to the love. I’ll totally share my Millennium Falcon PB & Banana Sandwich with you. Well, unless you have a peanut allergy. That would be bad. <3

(This post was originally written as a guest post for my friend, Doug’s, blog. It was an honor to be asked to guest post and I encourage you to check out his blog here.)

Last year at this time I started a tradition. One that has made a HUGE difference in my life. It wasn’t easy, but it was very necessary. That tradition was spring cleaning my life.

We throw open the windows of our home, brush away the cobwebs and pack up the winter clothes. It’s our symbolic gesture of greeting the new season. The season of growth and change. Warmer weather, flowers, sunshine. We restart the diets that we started on New Years and failed already. All that good stuff.

But, what about the rest of our life? Cleaning our house, though most of us secretly hate it, is a rather easy thing to do. Going through clothes, revamping diets- those are mere habits at this point in our lives. Last year I decided to go just a bit further with cleaning. It wasn’t so much as a conscious decision really, life just pointed out my need to take a look at the people in my life. Who I was surrounding myself with, how they made me feel. Who they really were. Who I really was. What impact they had on my life.

Most of my life I have fought for the underdog and put everyone else’s needs before mine. It’s how I almost completely lost myself in an abusive marriage. It’s how I’ve run myself down repeatedly year after year. I always rationalized it as something I was SUPPOSED to do. That putting myself first was selfish and horrible.

And then I got cancer. It started out precancerous. It seemed like just a scare. A little blip that sucked but I would move past it quickly and be just fine. When it came back cancerous and things got dark, I retreated inside. Talking about it made it far too real. And, above all, I didn’t want my girls to know. They had enough on their plate at the time. Their dad had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. A baby half-sister was NOT sitting well with them. It may seem like nothing, but to a 5 and 6 year old that were never a priority to him, having to fight with another for the bare minimal attention they already received was a rough concept. The last thing they needed was to fear losing me.

So, this inner retreat meant I somewhat disappeared from various social media outlets as well. It just kind of happened. It was all just a blur. I was trying to keep up with everything going on in my life and then balancing dr. appointments and lab work and treatments. I was a mess, but didn’t really realize it. Then I had a couple of friends get upset at my disappearance. I took a deep breath and explained the situation. One of their responses “Well, if you don’t tell anyone, we don’t have any way of knowing. So, you can’t expect me to be sympathetic to you not being around when I needed you.” Yet, I had no idea they needed me because their way of showing they were having a rough time was to disappear off of social media. The same social media that I had backed away from. See the lovely double standard there?

Other things happened as well and I just had to sit down and take a really painful look at things. I suck at cutting friends loose. I give people chance after chance after chance. I try to cling to all their good qualities, sometimes to the point of completely blinding myself to the faults. But, there comes a time where you have to step back and look at that friendship. Is it strictly one-sided? Does it balance out? Is that person a stream of constant negativity? How does their role in your life make you feel?

After answering all of that comes the even harder part- what do you do about it? Do you emotionally put up a wall and hold them at a distance? Do you break it off completely? Do you sit down and explain the situation and work on the friendship together?

That part fucking sucks. There’s no sugar-coating that.

You know what though? When you are done, I promise you that you will feel so much better.

This year, still fighting recurring cancer, but this last round finally came back only precancerous. So YAAAY for that! My immune system is completely shot though and my doctors SCREAMED at me about my stress level. To have a doctor tell you “Fuck the cancer, it’s the stress that’s going to kill you” is a pretty big wake up call. And, it is just in time for spring cleaning time this year.

Time for decisions to be made and people removed from my life. It’s never a happy thing, but it is so freeing. A really wise person reminded me recently that when you clean out the negative, you leave so much room for more positive. And I need all the positive I can get right now. We all do. Getting rid of my first weed has already made a huge difference. People that dwell in and thrive off of constant negativity will suck you dry. Their need to be one up in the misery department all of the damn time will leave them alone and bitter one day and it’s not a place you want to be dragged to. If nothing is ever good enough for them- that is their fault, not yours. Get off the train now.

Another really wise person I turn to when deep cleaning? Bob Marley.

“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley

There are people in my life that I love to death. That I know would be there for me if I picked up the phone and uttered one word- help. And they know I would do the same. Shit, a couple would hear it in my voice and I wouldn’t even need to say it. And guess what? We don’t talk every day, every week, maybe even every month. Life gets busy for all of us. It’s understood and that love and support is still there. We fit each other in when we can.

Then there are the ones that I talk to every day, every week, every month that I’ve said help to and they’ve not bothered to be there. And anyone in my life knows me saying “help” is one of the hardest things for me to do. I took wanting to grow up and be Wonder Woman VERY seriously. I can do it all myself, you know. Yeah, not really but that’s another post. 🙂

In the mean time it is time for me to listen to my man Marley, throw on some Three Little Birds, and clean up the rest of my lawn again.

How does your lawn look?

My doctor called me while I was just done dropping the girls off this morning. I’d already made the decision that I NEED to make time to write down our conversations. Especially the silly ones. This morning’s was fun. As a geek mom, I have the ability to chronicle their lives for them in a way generations before me couldn’t. I can assemble an entire book with photos and captions, a book of them. They can keep this book and pull it out and read it to their children one day. I have made myself a promise that, no matter what, I am going to do this. I have to.

None of us know how long we will be here. I have great plans and decades to spend with my girls in my mind and heart. But, it’s not solely up to me. So, doc informed me that I have the most stubborn white blood cells and cervix she’s ever seen. The fact that I am abnormal is not a shock, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that this was the one time in my life I wish I was called normal. The cells bother her, the cervix we suspected and it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s back. But, it does mean I get a hot date with a LEEP and sadly she said they just can’t LEEP away my entire cervix. One of these days it’ll buy me dinner first damnit.

I’m at a different place this time around, a different mind set. While I’ve always had the “let’s do this! Let’s fight back!” attitude, I was getting weary. Balancing everything was a trick before, now it’s flat-out draining. This past summer when I made the decision to go back to work full time, rather than freelance, I picked a place that was very unlike me. Yet, it fit perfectly. It’s a seasonal company. Meaning, I get laid off over the next few weeks. A lay of with pay enough to get me through it and time to take a step back and revamp. A much needed breather. A chance for a re-birth.

And I plan on taking advantage of every moment of it. I’ve revamped our eating habits and begun training for the Dirty Girl Run. I’ve begun to reorganize our house, though you probably can’t tell looking at it right this moment. The girls and I have settled in to the new schedule so far, but this is just week one of it. Now, it’s back to the things that matter. Refocusing on the dream and making it happen this year- cancer or no cancer.

Another upside of all of this was that it allotted (read: forced) me to take a step back and look at everything and everyone in my life. To boil things down to what is most important. To come to terms with what I may truly mean to some and them to me. To take stock and make an effort to mend some that may have needed mending and deal with whether it was reciprocated or not. You know how you know when someone is a real friend? It could be hours, days, weeks, years since you’ve sat down and really talked, yet a beat is never missed and that love is still there and even if they don’t have time at the moment, you can tell they are happy as Hell to hear from you.

And I’ve learned that if you completely fuck it all up, there is tomorrow.

Every single day we all get a re-do.

P.S. So today’s conversations on the way to school…..

Lilest: “GIVE US MATH PROBLEMS!!”
Eldest: “YEAH MOMMY!!! MATH PROBLEMS!”
Both: (chanting) “MATH PROBLEMS! MATH PROBLEMS!”

They are such nerds! Now, coming up for math problems for a 6 and 7 year old while driving may sound like a piece of cake. My girls don’t deal with “what’s 3 + 7?” Nope, they want WORD problems. Which means that I have to keep track of my own problem while I’m making it up. Possibly on a lack of coffee. While driving through a town that I swear has the worst drivers ever.

Me: “Okay, Hailey first… if there are 3 houses on the right side and 4 houses on the left side, how many houses are on the block?”
Lilest: “Duh, that’s 7. MAKE THEM HARDER!!”
Me: “Okie Dokie. If there are 14 houses on this block and 7 are on the right side, how many are on the left?’
Lilest: “SEVEN!”
Eldest: “SEVEN! HEY! IT WAS MY TURN YOU BIG DOOFUS!”
Me: “NOT OKAY!!!”
Eldest: “You gotta take turns cuz I know more stuff than she does, I get harder ones.”
Me: “Okay, (insert eldest’s name here) there are 12 houses on the next block, all with 2 windows. How many windows are on the block?”
Eldest: “Good one! Let me think!”
Lilest: “That’s a multiplication problem.” 
Eldest: “I KNOW!!”

Eldest got it right. In fact they both got all of theirs right. Lilest’s next one was “If mommy drinks one cup of coffee every hour and I spend 3 hours at Starbucks, how many cups of coffee will I have drank?” And Eldest got the last one with “If we got to AJ Bombers for dinner and they have a big special going where hamburgers cost $1.00 and sweet potato chips are $0.50 how much would it cost all together if we each got one hamburger and one order of sweet potato chips?”

I love that they love to learn. I love that they are a bit competitive in that department. I love that we take the time to actually spend time together in the car on the way to and from, well anywhere together. But, especially to school. We both need that love in the morning.

Though I am a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason” when I’m down or upset, I’ll still wanna smack ya for telling me that. No matter how much I know it’s true. So, for the last day or so, I’ve been just off. Kinda up and down and all over the place. Like more all over than usual. Life’s been chucking curve balls and so go go go this last two months, I think it may just be finally catching up. If you’ve been reading my lil ramblings, you know one of the biggest upheavals was our move back to the town I grew up in. I will never be a cheerleader for this town, but today, I found some solace.

Well, this morning was rough. Lil one is still mopey that sis is going to school. On the way home from dropping her off, lilest yelled “LOOK MOMMY A RUMMAGE SIGN!! Can we go???” I figured, sure, why not. We’re driving down the long street and not seeing anything. I’m just about to give up and I spot a barrel with two blaze orange flags sticking out of it at the end of a driveway. The house that hugs this driveway was a beautiful, almost log cabin looking house. One of those that beckons you to come inside and put your feet up for a spell. I look down the driveway and see a full working stop and go light flashing and yup, rummage stuff. The light alone was enough to tell me it was going to be fun. When I began walking down the driveway, lilest monkey in hand, I realized that this was going to be much more than fun. It was transforming. Invigorating. Comforting. Blissful. Slightly sad, but all around wonderful.

At first site I spotted two HUGE displays of hand made purses and scarves galore. I had found me a knitter. A damn good one at that. To my left, just past them, were two HUGE bags full of beautiful wool yarn. Price $5.00 each. Seriously one skein of them was worth more than that alone. Lil one spots a box of books and we start digging through. For a whopping 10 cents a piece, they have a bunch of Little Miss books and a book long packed away in my memory. Spider saves Christmas. Spider and Peanut were scholastic books from waaaay back in the day when I was little. So, I tell lilest to go nuts and pick out whatever she wants while I check out what’s in the garage.

Two steps in I stop and tears well up. There on a table before me were stacks of artwork done by Mr. Pierce. He was my first art teacher ever and was amazing. He came in to our elementary school on a special basis and I just loved him. While registering eldest monkey for school, the walls of the hallways in the school administration building were peppered with the same work of his I remember once hanging at my school. I stopped to explain to the girls who he was and how wonderful he was. I began wondering what had happened to him. Today I found out. Mr. Pierce is no longer with us. But, I now have in my collection a wealth of his work. Ink drawing after ink drawing that will forever remain priceless to me. Including many drawings of, yes, monkeys.

While I lovingly went through them all, secretly wanting to just purchase them all and horde them, lilest discovered their chicken coop. Seriously, a coop with two live chickens. One laying an egg as we lingered there. The couple that were rocking on their back porch, him smiling, her chatting with us and crocheting (she does knit too), entertained lil one with stories about the chickens. The woman, Cathy, then came over and took the male out and let lil one pet him. His name was Raven. By the time I had finished sorting through my memories on art board, lil one was in a rocking chair on the porch gleefully petting Raven and chatting about the scarf I was making her for winter.

All of my artwork, two big bags of yarn, countless books, two leather binders, a big ole box of vintage Valentines and a huge art pad cost me all of $15.00. We actually hugged our goodbyes to the couple and made our voyage back to our getter. While loading our new prize purchases in, Cathy came running down the driveway (she’s pretty spry for her age) yelling “WAIT!” She brought this giant red plastic case and told us we could have it for free, to put all the new books in. She then asked us to come back any time we want to say hi and pet the chickens. Then, more hugs all around.

It wasn’t a difficult decision, next week lil one and I are going to bake some banana bread and stop on by. And to hell with a whole knitting group, I think I found me a new knitting pal.

As I drove home, which was just a hop and skip away, I realized, I had found my spot. The spot in this town that made me cease to feel quite so displaced. A point of reference that reminded me that home is indeed where you hang your heart. The view outside your window may contain ugliness, unpleasantness or way too much Stepford for your taste, but the warmth inside remains. Outside our door may lead to Monotonous Flaws, but inside is the eastside, bay view, even the SF bay area. It is what we make it. And just down the street and up the driveway is solace, complete with a chicken coop

If you met my monkeys, you’d immediately understand the perpetual state of lateness. It’s not for lack of trying though, I assure you. In fact, I had a lil chit chat with the monkeys about punctuality. Yes, I used that word with the 3 & 4 year old. Anywho eldest monkey looked at me and said “We’re rockstars and rockstars show up late.” So, that’s just how we roll.

The point to this? I’ve been wanting to do the blog thang for quite a while now I’m all for that which is cathardic and (as a very rockin’ and way cool mom pointed out to me recently) this is a good way for me to keep track of the wonderfulness of life in monkeyland…….

P.S. I read an article today that said don’t wait until your blog is perfect before you start it. This is so NOT the background that will be permanently here, but hey- I should get credit for at least following the advice. I don’t always play by the rules, I often run with scissors and, like this blog, I am a continual work in progress.

Read more >> Options >>