It’s been almost a year now since I have written my “Yup, I’ve Got Boobies” post. To date it is the scariest, most emotional post I’ve ever written. Yes, even more so than the one outlining me standing there with a knife in my hand staring a stalker through my patio door. Breast cancer is far scarier than any stalker.

As soon as that post went up, my awesome tribe of geek girls responded with an outpouring of love and support that went beyond just RT’s. That’s how we roll. One laughs, we all laugh. One cries, we cry too- then whip out whatever we can to make that turn to laughter. One makes a stand, we stand behind her.

We are strong. We are geek. We have boobies. We use our powers for good.

And I am so proud to announce that we have banded together to create a project for the cause. Coming your way soon…

The #BoobieWed Geek Girls Edition Calendar

There are more than 250,000 women living in this country that were diagnosed with breast cancer under that age of 40. That does not account for the thousands that did not detect it early enough and lost their battles with breast cancer as a result.

The strongest weapon in beating breast cancer is early detection. That is the fuel behind this project- driving home the importance of it and reminding women (and yes men) to check their breasts regularly and remind those in their life to do so as well.

For more information please visit the amazing organization Young Survival Coalition.

And stay tuned for more to come on the Epic Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Now go give ’em a squeeze and make sure they’re happy!!!

Remember #BoobiesAreStrongerThanTheForce But they still need to be checked.

These last two weeks have been insanely busy, mostly in a really good way. As a result of juggling it all, I have been kind of missing in action online and for that I am truly sorry. I have really missed it too. So what the heck have I been up to??

Well… I found a place, though I’m still working on making it a signed, done deal. I’ve been doing some interviews with some amazing people that it still floors me would want to interview me and I’ve been working on the major announcement that will be made late Friday night. That announcement will include the next phase for UberDork Cafe. Oh! And I’ve been making and sending out my Woookiee Cookies now that they are available via the web site.

The Kickstarter page is now down to HOURS. They don’t even mark it in days at this point. With 51 hours to go (though it will most likely be 50 by the time I get this done, proof it neurotically a zillion times and post it) and 108 BEYOND AWESOME backers, the total sits at $6,480. I can’t begin to tell you how that number makes me feel. How all those numbers make me feel. To know that so many people support this, support me so much still gets me teary. My goal for the next 51(ish) hours is to get the word out as much as I can. The higher we get that number, the quicker this all goes. I’m not going to lie, I wish I was opening doors tomorrow. That I had the Wall of Love done and up and huggable. That I had each and everyone of you ready to walk in the door and share the big moment with me when it’s all 100% real.

This past weekend I made the trip down to Indy for Gen Con. I ended up leaving late Friday night and driving straight through. I was exhausted when I arrived, but giddy. The whole way down I had music people had suggested and one whole CD @dirty_saint made me. I LOVE Mixed Tapes! So, I didn’t feel even remotely alone on the trip. Then, I had @CapSteveRogers call to check on me right when I had to detour because some crazy lil Hwy 912 was closed. I was literally sitting on a dead end road by some railroad tracks wonderin where the heck I was when my phone rang. He navigated me back on a new route in no time. Our fearless @ThePowerGeeks host @DarthMolen also made me promise to call if I started getting sleepy and he’d talk to me the whole way there. Of course, by talking, he means picking on…but it’s the thought.

Saturday morning, I arrived and went to check in and get my press pass (THANK YOU @ThePowerGeeks!!). Before doing so, I started to fulfill my mission- I got to FINALLY actually huggle @NicoleWakelin! Into the press room we went! After hitting the press table for goodies, I turned around and @CapSteveRogers and @PeacockPub (who had ventured in with me) were sitting there with “O EM GEE” looks on their faces. Yup, sitting like two seats away was @FeliciaDay. Epicness already!! Right after that, I got to huggle the mess outta @KatieDoyle again and on to complete my mission. Whipping through the giant exhibit hall filled with so much awesomeness, I had but one goal.. to make it to the @G33kMade booth. When I did, I finally got to huggle my girls @GeekSoap and @KyleeLane. Whatever happened at that point during the weekend would be the proverbial icing on the cupcake. I can’t begin to tell you how much I love my sisters. Yeah, I called them sisters cuz it’s that deep.

Saturday morning was spent walking around with my peeps. Spending actual real life time with them and it was just as if we’d known each other forever. Exhausted, we made our way back to the G33k Made booth and I froze. Standing there before it was Wil Wheaton. With a ridonkilously huge grin on his face as well. I slipped on over and just started taking pictures. @wilw literally hung out there for quite a while. My favorite part of the whole entire weekend was listening to him talk to Lesley (the gorgeousness behind Geek Soap) and Kylee (the gorgeousness behind Luxury Lane Soaps). And then it happened. I swear Wil was gushing. He explained to Lesley and Kylee how amazing they were, how original and creative and refreshing Geek Made is. Then he told them how very proud he was of them. Wil, my dear, I have to say I agree with every single word that came out of your mouth. Lesley, Kylee and all the people they feature on G33kMade are what UberDork Cafe is about. SUPPORTING OUR GEEK COMMUNITY!! The things that can be accomplished when we team up! Well awesomesauce is just weak. We’re gonna have to invent a new word. I really need to state that Lucas, Lesley’s husband and Rory, Kylee’s husband freakin also rock in their own rights. Kick ass geek guys supporting the mess outta their gals is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Later that day, Katie and I made our way through the parade of Cos Players (huge props to all of them!!) and back to the press room to sit and charge phones. There was some chef guy doing an interview with someone from Gen Con. It took everything in me not to stand up and scream “WTF!?!??!” In the short 10 min interview I heard some insanely horrible stereotypes come out of his mouth. “Ya know, at least the board game people have to get out and be social, not like those video gamers that sit locked in their houses by themselves playing their games all day and night.” SERIOUSLY??? “Well, I’ve seen some actual females here so maybe this generation of girls will start to break into this whole gaming thing.” WHAT!?!?!?! Some????? Start??? As painful as it was to listen to, it was a much needed dose of reality.

It drives home how important G33k Made is. How important UberDork Cafe is. How important WE ALL ARE. We’re not some group of freaks to come gawk at. We are a ginormous ball of freakin’ amazingness that, well if they don’t get it, they can kiss my big ole lily white ghetto booty. We ALL have geek in us. We ALL have nerd in us. We ALL have dork in us. Whether we embrace it or not. Why mock those that do?

So, I say we show the chef dbag’s of the world a lil something. I say we show them our gnork. Show them our love for each other. Show them what we are capable of as a community. Show them that if they don’t support us, we are just fine. WE HAVE EACH OTHER TO SUPPORT US. We get it.

And UberDork Cafe will be our lil physical safe haven. Our place to hang, to game, to learn, to chillax. Our continual con. Open all year round and passes never sell out.

Yeah, I haz a BIG love for my family. My family of gorgeous geeks/nerds/dorks. And to pull out one of my lilest’s quotes from an older post of mine “Yo! I gots your love right here!!”

Show G33k Made some love HERE!

Show UberDork Cafe some love HERE!

Let’s keep this BIG love going!!

MWUAH!

P.S. Some more love ya can show…

The Power Geeks
Cap Steve Rogers- amazing freelance designer
Nicole Wakelin- just plain amazing
Action Flick Chick
Game Couch
Geek Girls Network
Geek With Curves
GeekBoy Presents
Geek Girl Diva
Geek Shui
Giant Fire Breathing Robot
Girls Are Geeks
Has Boobs Reads Comics
Naked Hobo
Pop Bunker
Reality Amuck
Rock The Lan
Shiny Lines (I NEED THE GEEKBREEDER MUG!!)
The Carnival of Random
Troll in the Corner

I’m sure I’m forgetting all kinds of love. I’m scatter brained right now pretty, pretty please forgive me!

If physical structures could be built on love alone, there would be a string of UberDork Cafes open all across this world by now. Open, bustling and radiating more #GeekLove. I don’t know that I will ever be able to find the exact words to describe all the emotions this journey has conjured up.

What has started as my crazy lil idea to create a place for my daughters and my community has turned into so much more. Part of me would like to print out the Kickstarter Project pages, the comments, the statistics, every tweet, every amazing blog post, every kind word of support and encouragement and show it to the world. I would say “Look! Look at what this community is capable of! Look at the love! Look at the support! Look at all of these amazing people! Look at what you’ve overlooked! What you have underestimated!!” It is not just the group of people that has been overlooked and underestimated, it’s the power of love, the power of community.

The very thing that UberDork Cafe will exist to nurture, to support and to encourage.

From Apple’s “Think Different” to Einstein’s “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. “ to Yoda’s “Do or do not, there is not try” – these things have shaped who I am in life. Who a lot of us are. They are concepts sadly often drowned out by media, by peers encouraging conformity while growing up, by adults that don’t get it staring down noses and speaking of “the right way” to do things.

This is my way of helping cease that. Media will still be media, peers will still be peers, adults will still be adults. But, we will all have a place to go, our future will have a place to go, that encourages us to simply be us. To embrace who we are, to let it hang out, to help our youth navigate through to be proud of who they are and confident in pursuing their true goals in life. The things that make us all happy.

There are just two weeks left now. Because of all of you I have made my goal. Which I am beyond grateful for. Part of me feels greedy to ask for more. But all of the voices that have come forth with “If only I had a place like this when I was growing up” and “I really need a place like this near me” make me want this open tomorrow. And those that have said “I have been scared to go for my dream for so long, but you have inspired me to go back to it and really pursue it” make me want it open yesterday. The simple fact is to make this happen as quickly as possible, I still need your help, your support. We are currently at $6130 with two more weeks to go. Just imagine what we can do in two more weeks!! Can we reach 200 backers?? $8,000?? Can we blow this completely out of the water?? I think we can!

I can not tell you how excited I will be the day I can stand up inside of the finished, open UberDork Cafe and say:

“Look what WE did!!”

If you’ve been following along, or know me at all, you know that the Wall of Love is going to be my absolute favorite part of this whole place. I will hug it every day and may the Force be with anyone who tries to deface it.

So, from a place for my daughters to go and a community to be nurtured and hope to be given, this has turned into the physical representation of what a community can do when they believe in something, when they believe in themselves.

To those that don’t believe, well my girls and I proudly stick our tongues out at you, wrinkle our noses and then smile and wave are lil geek/nerd/dork flags. And we are honored to have an entire community standing behind us doing the same.

“Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending. “ ~Jim
Henson

To join the lovers, the dreamers, the community, click here to visit the Kickstarter Project Page.

During two recent interviews I was asked “Why? Why should people who don’t live in Milwaukee, who can’t walk into the UberDork Cafe when it opens back this project?” It occurred to me that it may be a good idea to share this with you all. It seems in all the excitement I may have overlooked that.

UberDork Cafe is more than just a cafe. More than just a place to game. More than just a place to learn. More than just a place for people like me and my daughters- the geeky, the nerdy, the dorky. It’s more than just the dream of one place. At the root, the dream is much bigger than that. It’s about nurturing a community.

I am fortunate to have always had a strong sense of self. From a really early age on, I knew who I was. I also knew that I didn’t quite fit in, but I was ok with that. Though it was not always easy, I have always proudly waved my geek/nerd/dork flag. Being a gnork was just a big part of who I was and am. It’s not based on a set of interests, there’s no test for it, there’s no cred or badge to earn or mark you are born with. If you are one, you just get it. Though “the geek shall inherit the earth” is a phrase most can get behind, there are many who still hide their lil flags. That hide who they are or downplay it because those around them wouldn’t get it.

No matter who you are, there comes a time, even just an instance, in all our lives where we feel like we don’t quite fit in. That there are people that may get parts of us, but not all of us. To feel truly understood is an amazing feeling. To have someone understand it all and nurture it is even more amazing.

Growing up, my parents accepted who I was. Which was a big help. But they will be the first to tell you that they never understood me. “You were just so different from us or your sister.” Being accepted and being nurtured are two very different things. The nurturing I received was at school, from teachers. I lucked out.

Now, we live in a time where programs are being cut left and right. Arts and extra curricular activities that are non athletic are the first to be affected by this. “Gifted and talented” programs are being eliminated, as are “accelerated” classes. Opportunities like I had are dwindling. It’s even worse in the inner cities. Many have never had these programs to begin with. So a cycle perpetuates from generation to generation.

Right now, in Milwaukee, in cities across this country, in a city close to YOU there are children and teens that need a place to go. A place that understands them. A place that supports them. A place that believes in them. There are parents that have lil gnorks of their own that are looking for places to take them to help nurture who they are. There are adults that want to have a place where they can wave their lil flags.

UberDork Cafe is that place.

I believe in my community. I believe in nurturing our inner gnorks and our future gnorks. I believe in providing a place that teens can affordably hang out at instead of the streets, or locked away in basements with their secret gnorky interests and dreams. Where they can meet other people who share their same interests. Where they can turn to in hopes of earning a scholarship that will continue to nurture their gnorky dreams. Scholarships that may lead to the person that develops your next favorite game, favorite comic book, favorite gadget that makes your life so much easier.

I believe in a place where kids can be kids. A place that parents can take them for fun classes that don’t cost an arm and a leg. A place where they can take classes with them. A place where people old and young can leave the world at the doorstep, walk inside and just be themselves. A place that reminds you of the importance of play. The importance of imagination. The importance of letting your flag fly.

We ALL need a place like that. It has to start somewhere- why not here?

And to all the people that have asked “When are you going to open one in…..” The answer is- let’s get this one open and successful. WHEN that happens, I promise you more.

It all has to start somehow, why not with $1.00? How much is your community worth to you?

Click here to visit the UberDork Cafe Kickstarter Project Page and show your support.

This next post was going to be all about my lil dream. The giant, quirky chunk of me called UberDork Café.

But, that is going to have to wait until the next post. By the end of this, you’ll understand why.

This one is about what I learned today. (Well, Friday which is when this is being written. Ok, being started. Jinkies I’m behind!)

A big chunk of the joy that is UberDork Café has been a dream of mine for quite some time. A dream that I have shared with very few people. There are a couple of reasons for this. What it all boils down to though is this- although I’m very much a “this is me and I’m pretty darn proud of me” kind of gal, this is SO important to me, I have been scared. Scared to share it. Scared to hear what others have to say. Scared to have to actually be the one in the front of the project, rather than hiding in the background. Scared to take that leap of faith- in myself. I walk into walls, so leapin, yeah could have disastrous results.

But I did. Arg. Alright #truthbat. I had only taken the running start toward the leap. You know what though, the more people I told, the faster I ran. The more of a reality I made it by setting up the Twitter and Facebook accounts for it, the faster I ran.

Then last week @NakedHobo (who really has been a huge support to me and UberDork Café) told me about kickstarter.com. I spent Memorial Day combing through the site. Mesmerized by all the great projects on there. Kickstarter is a platform for people to use to raise funds to kickstart their projects. Books, artwork, band’s first CD’s, independent films, a bicycle operated butter churner, a mobile gluten-free bakery, all sorts of ridonkilously kick ass stuff. All sorts of people dreaming big, audacious dreams right along with me. All sorts of people seeking to make changes in the world in their own small way. It’s so beautiful.

The gist of Kickstarter is this- you submit your project idea to them (after making sure it fits their guidelines). Once they approve/accept it, you pick a goal amount (i.e. $5,000) and a time frame (i.e. 60 days). You then set your project profile up and work it. It’s up to YOU to get the word out and get people to visit and back (i.e. pledge/donate/show you some monetary love) it.

Here’s the twitst- they get fun stuffs, set up by you, as a reward for baking your project. So maybe, just maybe if someone were to choose to back UberDork Café at the $10.00 level, should I be accepted per my proposal to them, you’d get a pocket protector with the UberDork Café logo on it. Just maybe. Now, if you make your goal amount by the goal date- you keep it. If you raise more, yuppers you keep that too. But, if you don’t – you don’t get anything. That’s right. But, the backers don’t get charged either then so they are not out any money. Which means YOU have to put in the effort to reach your goal

So, Memorial Day evening, I hunkered down, crossed my toes and hit “submit” with my project information. Then I took a ginormously deep breath and waited. Wednesday night I got a response. Again…deeeeep breath. I clicked on my message and read it.

I read a giant “yeah, thanks but no so much.” I was crushed. Then, as I read it for the 123rd time, I was pissed at their reasoning. There were many projects up that fit the reason for “might not be a good fit” they had given me. I moped. I stewed. I freaked. I pouted. I cried.

I then refused to take no for an answer.

Around half past midnight, I sent my retort. I swallowed hard and fought the urge to come at them with both guns blazing. After all, this was my dream, my child in some ways and I get full on mama bear over my kids. Instead though, I chose to reclarify my project addressing their points of concern. And I stuck to my case. I boiled it down to its essence even more. I told them, I know this seems quirky, I know this is a big, audacious dream, but I believe in it. I believe in me.

Holy shit, lemme say that one more time- I believe in me.

While I waited to uncross my toes again, I revisited an old friend of sorts. A man that changed my life in a lot of ways. A man by the name of Kevin Carroll. If you know me really well, you know who Kevin is because I share him and his message with those that I love. Because I believe in them. If you’ve met me, you’ve seen the dream band I wear to remind myself of his message. A message so amazing that you have to hear from him. I cannot do it justice here. I simply can’t. But, here’s a lil bit of it to get you started and PLEASE, if you want to hear more, know more, get a dream band to remind yourself of your red rubber ball (Kevin sent me a bunch of them) let me know.

And Friday around 12:30, I heard back.

“Congratulations! Welcome to Kickstarter!!”

HELLS YEAH!!!

Turns out they believe in my red rubber ball too.

So, the lesson I learned is to believe in my self, my big, audacious dream, my red rubber ball that is UberDork Café.

And my dorky ass has definitely leaped.

Stay tuned for my next blog, my kickstarter project page and all that is UberDork Café. Because, I believe in me, in it and in all us crazy big, audacious dream dreamers out there.

If you were with me for the last post, you got a lil introduction to my dear friend the #truthbat. You also heard tale of the things in the outside world that have driven me to the point of this giant two-part blog. Now I’m going to let you in on my inside world. If you missed the last one, let me get you up to speed right quick.

1)We as women have got to stop treating each other and OURSELVES like shit and blaming it on men. Seriously, knock both parts off! #truthbat

2)We need to put the damn Ginsu knives down, step away from all the bullshit, stop knocking each other down and start building each other up. #truthbat

C) If we fail to do this, we are dooming every lil girl in our lives. Period. #truthbat

As the events in the last post were occurring, there was a theme interwoven directly in my own life. My own relationships with women. They forced me to wield the #truthbat on myself and do some reflection as a woman. As a friend. As a mom. As me.

I’ve always known I wasn’t wired quite like other females in my life. Growing up when other girls were gossiping, primping, vying (i.e. brawling) for social status and boys’ attention, I was doing my own thang. I wore what I liked, listened to what I dug, talked to whomever I wanted to and hung with more guys than girls. Part of me has always chocked it up to being kind of different in general. I just related to guys more than girls. None of the other girls rode a skateboard or played video games, could hack a computer or really shared most of my interests. I was just me. And I still am in a lot of those ways. Not that I haven’t grown, changed, evolved. I have. But, then and now, it’s on my own terms. For me. At my hand. In my own way.

It wasn’t until I was older that I started to reflect on the confusion I face when looking at my own gender. When gossiping didn’t end. When I began to really witness the false smiles. When the females I did bond with started getting stabbed in the back by other females. I still don’t play well with others in that manner. And I’m clearly still reflecting. But now I know that I am not alone. While I still have a bunch of guy friends, I also have a bunch of pretty incredible females in my life too. Others that are also wired differently. Or are they? Is it a matter of wiring?

While on my crusade of reflection, I’ve been looking at women in my life directly, in my life via other friends and completely outside of my life. I’ve been silently watching interactions between women in stores, at functions, on Twitter, on Facebook walls and yes even on the dreaded TV. (Total random side note/question stemming from “boob-tube” as slang for TV. Why is it that boob originated in like 1905 to describe “a stupid person; a fool; a dunce” and is now used to describe our breasts as well?? Welcome to my random ponderings) In all of this, I found a big commonality. Another reason for me to be proud to be a geek girl. In a whole, I discovered a whole lot of love amongst my sisters in geekdom. Enough for me to state that I believe that, in terms of groups, geeky gals bond and support each other more than other groups. You can get several geek girls together and no drama. Are we truly wired differently? Is it because we get so excited when we encounter each other that we bond and support rather than engage territorial behavior? Don’t get me wrong, we will talk all kinds of smack against each other via Xbox Live while playing. But, when we log off, it doesn’t carry over. I have seen so much support from geek girls for other geek girls’ projects and lives in general. It makes me squee. We are, for all intents and purposes, a minority in our own lil right. We’re cool with that though. We’re cool with each other. And we support our fellow geek guys.

Alright, having said that, I need to state, we aren’t perfect. We are not superior. We have our own lil quirks. In fact, one recent incident has been gnawing at me because it doesn’t stick with my theory (ok, technically hypothesis as it can’t truly be proven).

Months and months ago there was a geek girl I started following on Twitter. I Follow Friday’d her every time I did them. I tweeted at her to engage conversation or show support of her project. After months of this I realized that not only had she never followed me back nor replied to any of said tweets, she really wasn’t nice to people. So, I figured “eh, it’s just Twitter” and I unfollowed her. A few weeks went by and the path of turmoil she was creating went outside of Twitter and into people’s lives. It bothers me because it’s people I call friends, but I’m trying not to let my claws out. Yup, I have one of the traits that I have scolded other women for. #truthbat. Mine come out DEFFENSIVELY to protect those I care about or the underdog, not OFFENSIVELY to claw my way to feeling better or to a higher position. Regardless, I am still trying to use them sparingly and I totally didn’t want to start using them on another girl that waves a geek flag or shake up my lil geek girl community.

So, a couple of weeks ago I got a new geek girl follower and she’s great. When it came time to do some Follow Friday’s I used the old one from the aforementioned geek for this new one. I swear my only thought was “oh! I always liked this one, now I can use it for her!” That’s it. Nothing else occurred to me regarding it until the new girl was happy and RT’d it. And like a minute later guess who suddenly requested, after all this time, to follow me? Yup. The Aforementioned One. And I let her. Trying to be nice. Trying to give benefit of the doubt. Trying not to shake up lil community. Does she talk to me now? Yup, she’ll send me a random tweet on Friday mornings. Only on Friday mornings. Now she’s incited full-blown eye twitchage. To make matters more difficult, one of my good friends that is being affected by the Aforementioned One outside of Twitter is left in the same quandary I am. We are used to being ourselves, calling people on stuff and confronting situations head on. Yet, because it is a fellow self-proclaimed geek girl, we don’t feel like we can do that. We are forcing ourselves to smile, be polite and try to let her behavior slide. Which goes against who we are in a lot of ways. I realize the very posting of this is so passive aggressive and I’m not the passive aggressive type. Which bothers me all the more. The decision to do so comes down to two things. The first is me saying “fuck it.” If it shakes things up, it shakes things up and I accept full responsibility for everything that I’ve said here. I’m not sure what else to do and I need to just get it out. Maybe just the purge will do it good. The second is to prove an important point in this whole post- THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY RULE, EVERY THEORY. #truthbat Not every geek girl is wired the same way. Not every woman is wired the same way.

And not every exception is a bad one.

This brings me to another recent situation. We’ve all heard of the dreaded love triangle. The old scenario and it’s variations; two women fighting for same man, same man dating two unknowing women. Not long ago I found myself witness to a doozy of one. I lost track of how many women and the full drama that ensued, which is all unimportant. I know it sounds juicy, but I don’t dish. The reason it is here is to bring forth something that took me aback. Typically when drama of this nature goes down, the women don’t team up and go against the man (at least right away), the first reaction is to extend claws and gouge each others eyes out. Amidst all the craziness, all the drama, all the hurt feelings, the confusion, the gamut of emotions on all party’s parts… two unheard of things happened. The first was two separate women involved on two separate occasions uttered “This would be so much easier if you were a skanky whore, but you’re not. You’re really great” and “Wow, I gotta say I really like you. I didn’t want to, but I do.” Yup, insults didn’t fly. Eyeballs remained intact. Secondly, those two women both offered respect to another woman’s decision as to what she was going to do and what she would and would not discuss and actually followed through with the respect. And only one confirmed geek girl in the whole bunch.

We have it in us ladies. If while faced with matters of the heart, which tend to be the most sensitive of things, we can remain respectful and polite, well there’s no reason why on a day to day basis we can’t work together to move past these stereotypes that we’ve placed on each other. Yup, placed on each other. #truthbat

In my quest of reflection I have worked on who I am. Specifically who I let in my walls. This blog may make it seem like I don’t have any walls. I lay an awful lot of myself out there. But, I assure you I do. It’s a rather complex series of walls as well. Built over the years by myself, sometimes by the doing of others, sometimes by my own. There are people in my life that I like, people that I call acquaintances, people that I call friends and people that I feel a true bond with. Those that I feel the bond with are allowed access past more walls than others. For that reason, I tended to avoid bonding and I think especially women, as odd as that sounds. So, I have, in the last several months, made myself more open to possible bonds.

Out of the bonds I have made, I was wrong about only one. It’s still a hard one for me because we shared some really deep commonalities that most would never understand. Been through the same levels of Hell together. She showed me her Hell, I showed her mine. In the end though, her drive for acceptance of others, for attention from others proved the bond to be false. You have no idea how it hurt to know that I had shared so much with someone who turned around and pretty much pissed on it and bastardized it for her own benefit. You know what though? I’m ok. It didn’t kill me, it didn’t wreck me, it didn’t change me and it didn’t prevent me from bonding with or hurt the bonds that I had with some AMAZING women.

Maybe it’s not so much how we are wired. Those that are similar to me in how we treat the majority of other women, interact with them, support them, peacefully exist with them all have faced the threat of being forced into a stereotype at some point in their lives. Maybe it is a matter of embracing and being true to who we are no matter the circumstances.

These women are all very different in their own ways. If we were all standing in a group, just looking at us and our vast differences, you would wonder what the connection would be. What it comes down to is our cores. Our hearts. Our characters. And I love every one of them. We don’t talk every day, we don’t get together every week. But each one knows I am there for them and I know they are there for me. That if anything was needed the other would be there in a nanosecond. That no matter what direction our lives may take, no matter what distance lies between, no matter how long between conversations, that bond will remain intact. It’s not a forced bond, it doesn’t need to be babysat. It is nurtured naturally in its own way, it’s own pace.

They have all taught me lessons that I will forever be grateful for. Thank you will never be enough. Each has overcome very different obstacles and emerged beautiful, inspiring women. Women who lead by example.

The first happens to be the first woman I have ever proudly called my “BFF” (even though she’s more of a soul sister), who has the biggest, purest heart I have ever seen and we have an undying pact to lovingly whack each other with the #truthbat as needed. The saner pea in our crazy lil pod @StacySnook. She’s also the only one in my life that has truly taught me to embrace my inner girliness I have shied away from for so long.

Stacy’s incredible self journey

Stacy’s awesome salon

Where Stacy prettied up my eyes.

The woman who gives herself far too little credit, is beyond real, who taught me to take risks, that dreams aren’t worth anything if you don’t work toward them and proves geek girls don’t come in one boring mold. In fact, she makes her own in so very many ways. My sexy ass sista in geekdom @KyleeLane

Kylee’s shop (for reals I own some and O M G!! You need!!)

Kylee’s kick ass new project!

The woman who has helped me keep more balance in my life so far than anyone ever has, that has taught me it’s ok to take time out of life for myself to work on me, the person that encourages me regularly that being a work in progress is indeed a good thing, my voice of reason (and dorky sista from another mista) @BerniXiong

Berni’s site (aka a lil corner of sanity)

The woman who reminded me how crazy but how fucking awesome my life is because our lives are so parallel at times it’s straight up Twilight Zone and she was the first IRL woman I met that was just as dorky as me, but so freakin’ aweseomsauce that it made me proud to be a dork. I know we don’t hang like we used to, but she deserves to be here as well. I will always walk through Hell wearing ruffles for her, the woman who made me wish I had a stache to flaunt @SaraSantiago

Sara’s words of wisdom we’d all be better living by

I have to admit I am in awe and so thankful for all the response and support from everyone that read the first part of this post. I hope that the second part hasn’t let ya down.

My quest shall continue. It’s legacy will hopefully live on with my girls. I hope one day they will, as @GeekWithSoul has wished for his daughter, read this and laugh about how things USED to be. That they will have pages of amazing women in their lives that also lead by example.

But this will only be if we make an effort to step up, lead by example, work toward change and gently keep each other in check when we don’t. Seriously, I may love your ass, but if you step outta line, I’m coming athcya with the #truthbat. *mwuah*

Come sit a spell sisters, we need to have a lil chat. Actually what we really need is a shakabuku, otherwise known in Buddhist realms as a swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever. Let’s just start here first. You may wanna pop some corn or pour a glass of wine, this is going to take awhile and may hit ya as a surprise.

This post has been lurking within me for far too long now. A few recent events have had it building up and have now pulled it kicking and screaming out. Before I begin to run amuck with my babbling, let me hit you with my main point first.

As a gender my dear fellow proud females we, in many ways, have come so far. Yet, there is so much more that has to change. And you know what? It’s NOT the fault of men. It’s our own damn fault. Yup, you read that right. Welcome to the #truthbat. You will see it swung many a time in this post.

Seriously, we have got to stop treating each other and ourselves like shit. You can argue with me all day long that is men that “make us” act the way we do. But, that’s complete bullshit. Bottom line is we alone control our own actions and REACTIONS and it’s time we put our big girl panties on together as a gender and accept that. #truthbat

Woah! Where is all this coming from? It’s a culmination of many things really. A sweet and sour mixture of good, bad, ugly and beautiful. It comes from being proud to be a woman. It come from single-handedly trying to raise lil girls that hopefully will one day grow to be proud breast-toters in the future. It comes from realizing that stereotypes exist that shouldn’t. It comes from people screaming about unhealthy and unrealistic body images thrust forth on our younger gender, yet little has been actually done to truly change those images, those expectations. It comes from “feminists” screaming that bearing cleavage to raise awareness for breast cancer or to prove some whacked out scientist wrong that claims the world will end in a giant earthquake due to women’s breasts is appalling and takes our gender back to the stone ages. It comes from witnessing backstabbing galore and us tearing each other down instead of supporting and building each other up. Most importantly, it comes from having some beautiful, amazing women in my life that remind me on a daily basis what it SHOULD be like.

Not long ago I had a friend ask me for my opinion on Erykah Badu’s newest video for “Window Seat.” Rather than describe the video for you, as seen through my eyes, I am linking it here so you can see it through your own.

Erykah Badu- Window Seat, Unedited

So, I watched it and gave him my opinion. We discussed the feedback he had been given and sent me a link to comments on it. The comments surprised me so much, I then went searching the internet for more. In all honesty, this post began with those comments. That’s how long this has been brewing. Over all most of the responses were really quite positive. Of the negative ones (and I mean really negative not the random “damn she got a big ass”) 98% of the ones I read were from WOMEN. Of those, the majority were down right brutal. “Bitch” was used abundantly to refer to her and many women went so far as to talk shit about how many baby daddies she has. Seriously? You really had to take it to that level?

I will let you watch the video and come to your own conclusion. Your own idea of who “us” is. In the event you miss what she says at the end, I am placing it here for you to read:

“They who play it safe are quick to assassinate what they do not understand. They move in packs, ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another. They feel most comfortable in groups… less guilt to swallow. They are us. This is what we have become… afraid to respect the individual.”

For me, “us” is we women.

We have all heard the old joke “Get more than two women together in the same room and there’s gonna be some drama.” You know what, on some levels, it’s right. And it’s our fault. #truthbat

Why is that? In nature it is the male of the species that puff up their chest and fights over territory. Yet, we puff up our hair, implant our chests, slap on war paint and sharpen our claws. Against EACH OTHER. We claim oppression, we scream for equality, we outwardly protest and scoff the media and entertainment industry’s portrayal of what we are “supposed” to look and even act like, yet what do we DO to actually CHANGE it? In fact, we actually INFLICT those very same things on EACH OTHER. #truthbat

One of the “we’ve come a long way, but we should be so much further along” moments of late brings me back to my arch enemy- Barbie. I never liked her growing up and as an adult she makes my right eye twitch. I remember the vote, I remember quite a few of my sexy sisters in geekdom that were shocked when I was not as excited as many were that Barbie’s new “career” that won out was Computer Engineer Barbie. The plan and simple answer to that was “they’re gonna screw her up and she’s gonna look ridiculous.” I tried to think positive, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. I ignored all the hype around it and then one day took a deep breath and looked at the finished product they had come up with. I cocked my head to the side and fought the “yup ridiculous.” I really did. Then I took a close look and blurted out a good ole fashioned “what the fuck?” Her breasts were clearly smaller than the rest of the Barbies on the market. I was pissed. (I know, I realize the irony in me being pissed that the unrealistic body Barbie struts around in is actually becoming more realistic. But, to my defense, it’s the fact that it was done so on the one Barbie I can relate too. That older generations have viewed women with larger breasts as stupid and now the computer engineer needs to have smaller boobs hit close to home for me.)

I also was ready to fight on it. One thing about me though, is I never fight without knowing the facts behind what I am fighting about. So, I researched. I found many articles citing the smaller breasts on the Computer Engineering Barbie. With side by sides to prove it. I also found a quote from Mattel that stated that it coincides with their attempt at “depicting a more realistic and healthy body type.” You know what else I found? That they actually worked with the Society of Women Engineers and the National Academy of Engineering to develop the wardrobe and accessories for her. They tried. Her sparkly spandex pants make me cringe, no laptop a true computer engineer would use at work comes in pink and the high heels are questionable. But, she’s Barbie. One can’t expect Mattel to completely buck their standards for her in order to represent one profession. And maybe she had a presentation to do that day. Yup, I am wielding the #truhbat on my own self. The “should be further along” applies just as much to me as it does to Barbie in this case.

I know despite the vast differences between how this doll looks and what she portrays and me, that there may be an opportunity for girls to get more interested in becoming geek girls. I know no matter these differences that it does not make me any less a geek girl, any less me. I know that Barbie has never and will never define ME. I also know that we need to make sure that all our lil girls out there know that no doll, no actress, no pop singer, no rocket scientist, no quirky single mom writing blogs, NO ONE ELSE PERIOD defines THEM. THEY define them. In their own ways. On and in their own terms.

Now while Barbie is busy turning her headlights down a notch, ABC and FOX are busy banning Lane Bryant’s most recent commercial. ABC’s stance is the commercial is “too sexy for primetime.” They specifically cited “too much cleavage” as well. Lane Bryant purchased a time slot during Dancing With the Stars for this mind you. The same time slot that Victoria’s Secret has aired their commercials during. Fox used the excuse the commercial “is too long.” It’s 25 seconds. FOX did end up caving and aired the commercial once at the end of American Idol after Lane Bryant threatened to pull ads with them entirely.

Again, I will let you decide. Here is the infamously banned Lane Bryant commercial: I want to note a further frustration. This morning while I was grabbing the link to this video, the one viewed by over 1 million people came with a disclaimer “This video or group may contain content that is inappropriate for some users, as flagged by YouTube’s user community.” and stated I must log in as proof I am over 18 to view. Seriously??? The same disclaimer better be on the Victoria’s one I’m going to pull next.

Banned Lane Bryant Commercial (almost 300K viewed deemed not inappropriate)

Here is Victoria’s Secret’s “What is Sexy” commercial that has aired on both ABC and FOX during prime time. (Note the Vickie’s commercial length of 1 minute) New note: I clicked on 23 different Victoria’s Secret commercials all viewed hundreds of thousands to millions of times, not a warning on a single one of them. And ya know what, Lane Bryant’s model doesn’t grind and roll around all lustful looking like the Vickie’s ones do. Oh the eye twitch.

Personally I think it’s insane that Lane Bryant’s ad was even remotely questioned. And it has nothing to do with the fact that my body looks like hers and not a Victoria’s Secret model. It has to do with the mockery that is the double standard that is presented. If the tables were flipped I’d be saying the same thing.

But, that is just my opinion on the matter. I, again, went searching for other people’s opinions. Women specifically for the sake of this blog. You know what I found? A boatload of women that AGREED with the banning. One woman stated “It’s not the cleavage that’s the issue, it’s the size. There is like a gallon of boob poured into each cup. It’s too distracting.” And there were women that agreed with her. On another site, a woman said “Who cares if you can relate to her more because she’s fat (and she is.) Her face is pretty but her body is another thing. Models are models because they look good and take great photos…stop lowering the standards to make yourselves feel better.” And ya know what? Yup, there were women that agreed with her too.

So, a lil something to think about while you are making your decision on this- according to a vast array of resources, the average US woman wears a size 14. Ashley Graham, the Ford Model in the Lane Bryant commercial is a size 16. Alessandra Ambrosio, one of the models that Victoria’s Secret uses most, is a US size 4.

Women come in all shapes and sizes and we buy bras and underwear. As consumers we buy MANY things. Hell, we’re known as “shoppers.” The way we are targeted in advertising in general is a whole debatable topic in itself. But it is this one example that I am using. Not only is the banning of this commercial concerning to me, so are the reactions and, in some ways more so, the LACK of reactions. Double standards of any type are a slippery slope. A slope that we as women need to climb, TOGETHER.

Together is one of the main themes in this ever-growing post of mine. Because of the length that it has already achieved, it will be the main topic of my follow up post to this that I have already written. But I want to give you the opportunity to digest this chunk first.

No matter how different every human being is from the next one, the mere fact we are human beings gives us a commonality. There are always things that we can relate to with someone that is even our direct opposite. But to do that means to step out of our comfort zone for some. To do that means to take the time to have an open mind, open eyes, open ears, open heart. The fact that we are all women makes us that much more closer to those commonalities. To similar struggles. Struggles that would be far less if we stopped stabbing each other in the back and knocking each other down.

If we put the Ginsu knives down and stepped away.

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.” ~Author Unknown

So, at the time of writing this, I wasn’t sure I was going to even post it. I was trying to work some thoughts out. Still trying to really. Now that I’m posting it, I’m not sure I’m going to link it. I’m not sure of a lot right now. But, it’s part of who I am, it’s part of my process. It’s not witty, it’s not funny, it’s pretty much just kind of raw me. While I am usually always smiling, typically optimistic (at times to a fault) and seek out the lesson in everything… this time I don’t know what I am.

If you’ve been reading, you know that I recently did some Spring Cleaning. Sweeping out some bad to give the good more room to breathe. In reality, it was a hard thing for me to do. By nature I see the good in people. Once I care, I have a hard time walking away. Setting boundaries are sometimes hard enough for me. Even when a relationship, of any kind, swings off balance, when I care, I will take it and take it hoping it will eventually swing back to where it was. I don’t like to give up on people. This gets infinitely stronger the closer I’ve gotten to them and the closer I’ve allowed them to get to me.

I saved the hardest for last. One that had gotten off balance, but I knew at its core was good. When I ran back through the last year the positives clearly outweighed the negatives, there was a unique bond and yes there was love there. That while it may need repair, it was a keeper.

So I laid it at their feet. Which was scary, but I had faith. Faith in them. Faith in me. Faith in us.

I have listed all the things I knew in a recent post about my Spring Cleaning. The truths I had walked away from the lesson with. Bit it would seem the lesson isn’t finished.

Yes they had gotten my email.

Yes they had already started to respond.

Yes they wanted to talk.

Yet it remains at their feet.

A part of me does too in a way.

And now they have gone completely silent.

And instead of I knows, I am left with I don’t knows.

Question after unanswered question.

Why haven’t they responded? Are they scared to? Or do they just not even care? Do I matter? Did I ever really matter? Why say you love someone and then 48 hours later…? Do I just walk away? Do they wish I would? What happened? What did I do? What do I do?

Question after unanswered question.

And a lesson I am not yet sure of. Or maybe it’s right there but, feeling unworthy of even a response, tears have blurred my vision.

Whoever said silence was golden was sorely mistaken.

Silence hurts.

Silence can break your heart.

My monkeys are getting soft… and they’re taking me down with them.

The fact that my girls could quote Star Wars at two and three years old didn’t surprise any of my friends and family. The shocker was they did it wearing pink.

“I thought you hated pink.”

Pink does indeed make my right eye twitch in many of its applications. The only proven documented cases of me donning pink are my sister’s wedding from Hell (think pink meets Carmen Miranda) and medicinally. I have the distinct pleasure of being allergic to mosquitoes and yet living in a place that jokes they are the state bird. Thanks to those lil bloodsucking bastards and Calamine lotion, every summer I turn into a pale pink spotted leper. My theory on the whole pink thing with my daughters is this- just because I have issues with the color doesn’t mean I’m gonna impose my view or distaste of it on them. I want them to be their own lil people and if that means them liking pink, so be it.

Alright, look, I was totally hoping they’d take after me. They had me pretty convinced I was in the clear for a while here too. Pink was a passing phase. Purple, red and black have replaced it.

But I am far from out of the woods.

I know my name has girlie in it. True to form, I am quirky with my girlie-ness. People have been known to receive surprise packages of homemade daisy sugar cookies lovingly decorated with M&Ms. But, eldest’s last birthday cake request turned out to be a life size Yoda. Which I blissfully tackled creating new cuss words as I built him. I’m almost always seen wearing lipstick. Yet the makeup and hair product department scares the complete shit out of me. Last year I am proud to say I learned how to put on eye shadow for the first time. Figured one day I may need to teach the monkeys that. Hairspray, however, is still a complete mystery to me beyond a fixative for charcoal drawings and a make shift self-defense device. You never know when an Aqua Net flame-thrower may come in handy ya know. I’m girlie on some levels, others not so much.

I had a close call last year when my phone rang at 7:15am on Black Friday. Panic ensued when a woman who is like a sister to me uttered ”Look bitch, my nieces are getting Barbies this year and that’s that. Suck it up.” And they did. It was less than a week later I got the joy of calling her and saying “Guess what hooker- your youngest niece just popped the head off her Barbie and chucked it at her sister. And she did the same back. That’s right, Barbie head fight all up in here.” Whew.

Still not out of the woods.

Last week during our drive home, eldest monkey was talking like 93mph about her day. Then gasps. “Oh my gosh mommy, I totally forgot to tell you- J CALLED ME HIS BFF TODAY!!” My brain so hadn’t processed yet and before I knew it I was all “Oh my gosh that is like way awesome.” And then she was all “Do you know what a BFF is? “ And I was all “Duh, it’s totally Best Friends Forever.” And then she was all “Wow. Mommy you are like so totally awesomesauce.” Then a voice of logic from within bitchslapped my neurons back into place. WHAAAA?? She’s only 5! I had visions of a 13 year old having body snatched my kid. And me for that matter!!! That night we had a “Goonies” intervention. Had to be done.

But it started to sink in. She’s growing up. They are growing up. And being exposed to BFF’s and lip gloss. I know girls will be girls. The dresses and skirts don’t bother me at all. I can even live with the fake plastic my first hooker heel dress up shoes they clomp around in. Well, until I step on a stray one. Them suckers hurt. The first rock star they met in person wasn’t someone from a Disney show, it was Maynard from Tool & Puscifer. They don’t want ballet lessons, they want to go to “Kung Fu School.” It’s been balancing out, but I’m scared of the scale tipping. Too soon! Not ready. There’s not nearly enough saved up in the therapy fund yet.

And then there was this Wednesday night. What started out like a normal Monkey Family Movie Night, quickly downward spiraled. Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakquel was harmless the first time we watched it. This time, it changed. While Simon is still their favorite, my safe lil balance was thrown way off. Thanks to those lil Chimpettes. Monkey Family Movie Night turned into me learning the words to some “you’re hot and your cold…. you’re yes and you’re no” song and Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” Not just the words, oh no, we went further down the rabbit hole than that. To sum it up, a knock on the door from the neighbor girls later and I had a room full of lil girls and somehow I was choreographing our own routines to the songs.

I am not ashamed to say I had fun. Their giggling is infectious. And it’s my favorite sound in the world.

But, I’m scared. I’m scared of that scale getting tipped long term to all that is pink and plastic and Barbie. To stereotypes and living up to peers’ expectations instead of being true to themselves and who they really want to be. They are my daughters though. I have faith they will settle into their own quirky girlie-nesses. Proud to be girls. Knowing that being soft doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. That having boobs doesn’t mean you don’t have brains. That life is a continual learning process and someday their daughters may teach them as they continue to teach me.

The next day eldest’s class went to the book fair they have going on at her school. She was given an envelope of money from me and told she could buy anything she wanted with that money. There was only one requirement- it had to be something SHE wanted. Not what she thought I would want, or her sister would want, or her BFF would want. What SHE wanted.

And this is what she came home with.

Obi-Wan, you are my hope.

Once upon a time there lived a little girl who believed that anything was possible. That just because something hadn’t been done yet did not mean that it couldn’t be done. That someday a Princess would slay a dragon. That someday what was on the inside would count more than what was on the outside. That someday people would come in so many colors, black and white would cease to exist. That someday the world would be a peaceful and happy place.

As she grew, she held tightly to this belief, this faith that anything could be accomplished. The harder life tried to beat it out of her, the more and more cemented in her belief she became. When things got really dark, she would close her eyes and picture the endless possibilities that lay ahead until it was safe to open them again. As the girl got older she saw many things no one should have to see and went through many things no one should have to go through. Each time, she closed her eyes and thought of a time when no one would. In fact a time when no one would go through worse either because she knew that there were many out there that not only faced worse in their lives, but did so on a daily basis.

That girl, not so much a girl anymore, also thought of a time when she could do more than small little things to ripple a very large pond. Very few things made her happier, and still do really, than proving the “you can’t” sayers wrong.

A couple of months ago, one of her pet peeves seemed to be everywhere. Like someone let it get into a bucket of chicken after midnight and it multiplied out of control. Just what was it that was eating that chicken? Grumpy, negative people. The kind that spew their negativity at everyone and prove that whole misery likes company schtick. The kind that constantly whine and bitch and moan about everything, yet do nothing about it. Perhaps that isn’t fair, sometimes they do go through the effort of raising a finger to point it at those whose fault they would like to blame for it. But, of course it is never THEIRS. And sometimes some of them may do so simply because they don’t know what else to do. But when it comes down to it, even when you don’t know what exactly to do, you aught to try something. Any effort is better than no effort at all. And that girl has always believed if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. So that girl closed her eyes and she thought of a time when the positive would outweigh the negative. Then she tried to imagine just how she could make that happen.

It was around this time that a couple of other people she had grown to know quite well were facing the same negativity and about done with it as well. They realized that on the outside they were so very different, but on the inside, they all shared the common bond, the desire to make a difference. To make a change in this community, in this country, in this world. Together they also knew that they did not have the one right answer on how this would be done, but that was ok. The mere fact that they knew they had each other and knew there would be more like them who shared their goal was all they needed. The girl smiled happily, knowing she had found a way to make a much bigger ripple in that very large pond. And that girl’s smile got a whole lot bigger and a lil mischievous when she realized all the “you can’t” sayers they could prove wrong.

And so it began.

Once upon a time, Zebra Panel was born. And someday, it will make all kinds of things that haven’t happened, begin to happen.

To visit Zebra Panel online, click here.

To visit Zebra Panel on Facebook, click here.

To hang with Zebra Panel on Twitter, click here.

To visit some of the girl’s Partners in Change:

Her homie, The Bus Bandit, please to read is recent AMAZING blog post byclicking here.

Her soul sistah, Berni, click here.

Her Partner in Change and Crime, Carrie, click here.

Her sister from another mister and in dorkery, Sara, click here.

Her heart of gold havin’ BFF Stacy, click here.

Her newest partners and amazing group of people, Life After Hate, click here.