I have failed as a mom.

As a mother, it is my job to protect my monkeys from getting their feelings hurt as best as possible. This is one of the reasons why I am so very careful about who I bring into their lives and under what circumstances. Well I thought I was. But, people aren’t always what they seem to be. It’s hard enough as an adult to make sense out of the 180’s people sometimes do. No matter who you are, the mask eventually falls off. To Thine Own Self Be True is one of my mantras not only for the beauty of its wisdom, but for the warning that lies within. Try to be someone other than you and at some point it all comes to light. What is all that negative energy and time spent being someone you’re not really going to get you? I avoid masks completely. You’re lucky if you even see me in make up. While my personality and genuine interests are all kinds of quirky, which allows me to relate and get along with a huge variety of people, I am no one’s chameleon. What you see is what you get with me. Whether you experience me in 2D, 3D, hell even 38DD, I am me.

So what do I say to my monkeys when they want to know why we haven’t heard from people they feel are their friends, their lil buddies? “They’re just really busy right now babies” is my general excuse. In some cases I know I’m being honest, in others not so much. It sucks. Hard.

I have failed as a mom.

I have created and instilled the Monkey Family Motto- We’re All About The Love. They have personified it in every way. Yet I have failed to give them the tools to know that sometimes when you give big love, it’s not always honestly returned. Oh they know that when they smile and say hello to strangers, they may not get a smile and a hello back. Some people are shy, some people are grumpy, some people are so jaded they simply get confused when a stranger in our all too cynical society extends random kindness to them. They know that friends they meet and play with at a park, a playland, heck even a Target (cuz that’s how we roll) may just be that for a moment or a day. A great memory to carry on. They know not to take it personally.

I guess I didn’t think that at 4 and 5 I would have to start teaching and preparing them for the harsher realities in life. They’ve already had to experience enough of them on their own. I guess I thought that I had until Middle School before I had to teach them the ugly truth about playground warfare and the dreaded popularity contest. About fake smiles and “I love you’s” and hugs to your face as their eyes roll at your back while you walk away. People that will claim to be your friend, but ditch you when a better offer comes along. About fake sincerity, expendability and yup, masks. If it weren’t for my choices on who I allow in their life, I very well may have had until then.

I have failed as a mom.

I give honestly, embrace all and never treat people as though they are stepping-stones to some kind of bigger goal. When you get a smile, an “I love you” or a hug from me, that stuff is all kinds of sincere. Which is what I’ve taught the monkeys to be like. I try my best to lead my life by example. They see that sincerity. They see me around many different types of people in many different types of situations and they always see me. So, how do I continue to instill this in them and protect them from getting further hurt?

I have failed as a mom.

I’m not sure there is any real, feasible answer to this. The best that I have come up with is the need to guard myself better so that I may better guard them. The popularity contests and fake bullshit clearly don’t end in high school. It actually becomes worse in adulthood. I have seen people who were the odd one out growing up turn around and be the worst social ladder climbers out there. Where the hell does that ladder lead anyway? What does being the most popular person in the neighborhood or at work get you? What does Twitter or Facebook “cred” actually get you? Especially when all those people are rolling their eyes to your back as well? Life can be like the first half an hour of The Breakfast Club. If only everyone got the ending.

I can not and will not allow my monkeys’ feelings to be hurt again by people that I have brought or allowed into their lives. It is up to me to learn from this and make sure that I now focus on putting my energy into cultivating and continuing the relationships in my life that matter. That are REAL. That the people I surround myself with, in all aspects, whether they have ever or will ever meet my monkeys are REAL. No disrespect my dear Ministry, but everyday is NOT Halloween. Not in our lives anymore. Mask wearers need not apply.

So, for my monkeys and for me my focus is going to be on nurturing QUALITY friendships/relationships. QUANTITY means nothing. Give me 3 friends I know would walk through hell and back again with me versus 100 acquaintances that say they care but disappear or worse. This new year is going to be one that breathes in the good, the real, the sincere…. And out with the bad, the two-faced, the dishonest, the fake. We are all about the love, if you’re not- exit is to your left. I already have the Barbie myth to contend with in their lives. That’s the only fake bitch allowed. For now, she’s next.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a Star Wars fan. I’d get pissed because I’d tear open my gifts and instead of an At-At or the Millennium Falcon, I’d get a freakin’ Monchichi or Strawberry Shortcake’s latest sidekick. Some solace was taken in the fact that I was the only girl that ever got to play Leia at recess. Part of that was probably the fact that I was the only one that could do the buns, but I didn’t care. I remember tearing ass down the isle to front row center when we went to see Return of the Jedi. While I may have lost my Star Wars sheet set along the way, I still have some of my trading cards left and my trust, rusty Return of the Jedi lunchbox still faithfully holds some of my art supplies. And, of course, I own the DVD box sets.

One cold, rainy Saturday morning (i.e. perfect couch and movie day) a couple of months after she turned 3, my eldest monkey figured out how to open the secret door of the entertainment stand and handed me “Phantom Menace.” “Mommy, this is my movie choice. I wanna watch this one.” The pride, oh the pride. I patted her head, told her it would be too scary and too hard for her to understand and insisted she pick a new one. Bless her gorgeously geeky heart, she stood firm on her choice. Her arguments in the end were simple. “If I don’t understand something, I’ll ask you mommy and if it gets too scary, we can turn it off.” Hells bells, you can’t really argue with logic like that.

Ten minutes later, another fan was born. Two more actually. Lilest monkey sat in wide-eyed wonderment cheering and booing right along with her. But, edlest took it to a whole new level. The rest of that weekend was spent watching all six in order up to her new beloved Anakin was “saved.” It floored me how little I needed to explain to her. There are so many favorite moments from that weekend. I think my favorite was when Luke made it out with Vader and she looked at me and said “Wow, he actually managed to pull it off.” Not remembering at this point I was talking to my 3 year old and being mother of the year- my response? “Right? He’s such a wuss.” Sorry folks, I was a Han Solo girl all the way.

Most of my friends weren’t entirely surprised at my lil “how I spent my weekend.” I swear everyone we encountered over the next few months heard her tales of the battle of dark and light, the path of a Jedi, the power of the force, the wisdom of Obi Wan and Yoda, her undying love for Anakin and the importance of having really good friends be they human, wookie, droid or otherwise. Then one of my friends sent me a now rather famous YouTube clip of a 3 year old explaining Star Wars. I watched it and giggled. It didn’t really occur to me the vast differences between that 3 year old and mine. VAST.

Thinking she’d be happy to find a kindred spirit, I showed her this.

I expected a giggle. I did NOT expect her to lose her lil mind. She seriously damn near cussed that lil girl out! It went a lil like this:

(Bear in mind, I did warn her it was only about New Hope aka “When they save Leia”- Ooops! I forgot to mention she renamed them all. I’ll footnote the rest.)

“What? The ‘sand people’ are Jawas and they aren’t that important.”
“‘Shiny one?’ ‘Shiny one?’ It’s C3PO. Duh.”
(At this point I am blankly staring at my irate lil monkey. Head all cocked to the side-like.)
*HUGE GASP* “NO ONE MISPRONOUNCES OBI WAN KANOBI’S NAME! NO ONE MOMMY!!!”
In the backgound the lilest monkey then yells “That’s RIDICULOUS!!” (WHAA??)
“Huh? That ‘light up sword’ is a light saber! Light SABER!”
“Leia wasn’t in jail, she was being held capitve by Imperial Forces.”
“That’s it?! That’s it?! What about the subplot?! (WTF!?!? Did she really just say subplot??!?) No Han? No Chewy? MMMMOOOOOOMM!!!”
“Yeah, Darth will getchya because you, you are NO JEDI!!” (Yes, she was totally pointing here lil finger at her too.)
“Mommy, please don’t EVER show me that girl again.”
And in the background her lil cohort was yelling “Yeah, she’s ridiculous!”

That’s when it became clear to me that she wasn’t your average 3 1/2 year old. It also became clear I was raising a lil ÜberGeekGirlie in training. That, in my book, is just awesomesauce.

Yup, she’s still planning on marrying Anakin, is practicing her use of the force and is desperately trying to plead her case to her sister for decorating their new bathroom all Star Wars. My money is on her. Lil geek girls FTW!

***As promised, she renamed them all right away to remember them better. Never mind the fact she could tell you who Qui Gon Jinn was. So, in order:

“When Anakin was lilttle”
“When Anakin became a Jedi”
“When Anakin caught on fire”
“When they save Leia”
“When Luke becomes a Jedi”
“When Luke saves Anakin”

And now these girls are helping their mommy to create a place for them, for all of us to hang, to play, to proudly wave our lil geek flags.

Click here to learn how you can help this dream become a reality for all of us and for future lil geek girls everywhere.

Lilest proudly displaying our Star Wars Cookie Cutters