Come sit a spell sisters, we need to have a lil chat. Actually what we really need is a shakabuku, otherwise known in Buddhist realms as a swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever. Let’s just start here first. You may wanna pop some corn or pour a glass of wine, this is going to take awhile and may hit ya as a surprise.

This post has been lurking within me for far too long now. A few recent events have had it building up and have now pulled it kicking and screaming out. Before I begin to run amuck with my babbling, let me hit you with my main point first.

As a gender my dear fellow proud females we, in many ways, have come so far. Yet, there is so much more that has to change. And you know what? It’s NOT the fault of men. It’s our own damn fault. Yup, you read that right. Welcome to the #truthbat. You will see it swung many a time in this post.

Seriously, we have got to stop treating each other and ourselves like shit. You can argue with me all day long that is men that “make us” act the way we do. But, that’s complete bullshit. Bottom line is we alone control our own actions and REACTIONS and it’s time we put our big girl panties on together as a gender and accept that. #truthbat

Woah! Where is all this coming from? It’s a culmination of many things really. A sweet and sour mixture of good, bad, ugly and beautiful. It comes from being proud to be a woman. It come from single-handedly trying to raise lil girls that hopefully will one day grow to be proud breast-toters in the future. It comes from realizing that stereotypes exist that shouldn’t. It comes from people screaming about unhealthy and unrealistic body images thrust forth on our younger gender, yet little has been actually done to truly change those images, those expectations. It comes from “feminists” screaming that bearing cleavage to raise awareness for breast cancer or to prove some whacked out scientist wrong that claims the world will end in a giant earthquake due to women’s breasts is appalling and takes our gender back to the stone ages. It comes from witnessing backstabbing galore and us tearing each other down instead of supporting and building each other up. Most importantly, it comes from having some beautiful, amazing women in my life that remind me on a daily basis what it SHOULD be like.

Not long ago I had a friend ask me for my opinion on Erykah Badu’s newest video for “Window Seat.” Rather than describe the video for you, as seen through my eyes, I am linking it here so you can see it through your own.

Erykah Badu- Window Seat, Unedited

So, I watched it and gave him my opinion. We discussed the feedback he had been given and sent me a link to comments on it. The comments surprised me so much, I then went searching the internet for more. In all honesty, this post began with those comments. That’s how long this has been brewing. Over all most of the responses were really quite positive. Of the negative ones (and I mean really negative not the random “damn she got a big ass”) 98% of the ones I read were from WOMEN. Of those, the majority were down right brutal. “Bitch” was used abundantly to refer to her and many women went so far as to talk shit about how many baby daddies she has. Seriously? You really had to take it to that level?

I will let you watch the video and come to your own conclusion. Your own idea of who “us” is. In the event you miss what she says at the end, I am placing it here for you to read:

“They who play it safe are quick to assassinate what they do not understand. They move in packs, ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another. They feel most comfortable in groups… less guilt to swallow. They are us. This is what we have become… afraid to respect the individual.”

For me, “us” is we women.

We have all heard the old joke “Get more than two women together in the same room and there’s gonna be some drama.” You know what, on some levels, it’s right. And it’s our fault. #truthbat

Why is that? In nature it is the male of the species that puff up their chest and fights over territory. Yet, we puff up our hair, implant our chests, slap on war paint and sharpen our claws. Against EACH OTHER. We claim oppression, we scream for equality, we outwardly protest and scoff the media and entertainment industry’s portrayal of what we are “supposed” to look and even act like, yet what do we DO to actually CHANGE it? In fact, we actually INFLICT those very same things on EACH OTHER. #truthbat

One of the “we’ve come a long way, but we should be so much further along” moments of late brings me back to my arch enemy- Barbie. I never liked her growing up and as an adult she makes my right eye twitch. I remember the vote, I remember quite a few of my sexy sisters in geekdom that were shocked when I was not as excited as many were that Barbie’s new “career” that won out was Computer Engineer Barbie. The plan and simple answer to that was “they’re gonna screw her up and she’s gonna look ridiculous.” I tried to think positive, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. I ignored all the hype around it and then one day took a deep breath and looked at the finished product they had come up with. I cocked my head to the side and fought the “yup ridiculous.” I really did. Then I took a close look and blurted out a good ole fashioned “what the fuck?” Her breasts were clearly smaller than the rest of the Barbies on the market. I was pissed. (I know, I realize the irony in me being pissed that the unrealistic body Barbie struts around in is actually becoming more realistic. But, to my defense, it’s the fact that it was done so on the one Barbie I can relate too. That older generations have viewed women with larger breasts as stupid and now the computer engineer needs to have smaller boobs hit close to home for me.)

I also was ready to fight on it. One thing about me though, is I never fight without knowing the facts behind what I am fighting about. So, I researched. I found many articles citing the smaller breasts on the Computer Engineering Barbie. With side by sides to prove it. I also found a quote from Mattel that stated that it coincides with their attempt at “depicting a more realistic and healthy body type.” You know what else I found? That they actually worked with the Society of Women Engineers and the National Academy of Engineering to develop the wardrobe and accessories for her. They tried. Her sparkly spandex pants make me cringe, no laptop a true computer engineer would use at work comes in pink and the high heels are questionable. But, she’s Barbie. One can’t expect Mattel to completely buck their standards for her in order to represent one profession. And maybe she had a presentation to do that day. Yup, I am wielding the #truhbat on my own self. The “should be further along” applies just as much to me as it does to Barbie in this case.

I know despite the vast differences between how this doll looks and what she portrays and me, that there may be an opportunity for girls to get more interested in becoming geek girls. I know no matter these differences that it does not make me any less a geek girl, any less me. I know that Barbie has never and will never define ME. I also know that we need to make sure that all our lil girls out there know that no doll, no actress, no pop singer, no rocket scientist, no quirky single mom writing blogs, NO ONE ELSE PERIOD defines THEM. THEY define them. In their own ways. On and in their own terms.

Now while Barbie is busy turning her headlights down a notch, ABC and FOX are busy banning Lane Bryant’s most recent commercial. ABC’s stance is the commercial is “too sexy for primetime.” They specifically cited “too much cleavage” as well. Lane Bryant purchased a time slot during Dancing With the Stars for this mind you. The same time slot that Victoria’s Secret has aired their commercials during. Fox used the excuse the commercial “is too long.” It’s 25 seconds. FOX did end up caving and aired the commercial once at the end of American Idol after Lane Bryant threatened to pull ads with them entirely.

Again, I will let you decide. Here is the infamously banned Lane Bryant commercial: I want to note a further frustration. This morning while I was grabbing the link to this video, the one viewed by over 1 million people came with a disclaimer “This video or group may contain content that is inappropriate for some users, as flagged by YouTube’s user community.” and stated I must log in as proof I am over 18 to view. Seriously??? The same disclaimer better be on the Victoria’s one I’m going to pull next.

Banned Lane Bryant Commercial (almost 300K viewed deemed not inappropriate)

Here is Victoria’s Secret’s “What is Sexy” commercial that has aired on both ABC and FOX during prime time. (Note the Vickie’s commercial length of 1 minute) New note: I clicked on 23 different Victoria’s Secret commercials all viewed hundreds of thousands to millions of times, not a warning on a single one of them. And ya know what, Lane Bryant’s model doesn’t grind and roll around all lustful looking like the Vickie’s ones do. Oh the eye twitch.

Personally I think it’s insane that Lane Bryant’s ad was even remotely questioned. And it has nothing to do with the fact that my body looks like hers and not a Victoria’s Secret model. It has to do with the mockery that is the double standard that is presented. If the tables were flipped I’d be saying the same thing.

But, that is just my opinion on the matter. I, again, went searching for other people’s opinions. Women specifically for the sake of this blog. You know what I found? A boatload of women that AGREED with the banning. One woman stated “It’s not the cleavage that’s the issue, it’s the size. There is like a gallon of boob poured into each cup. It’s too distracting.” And there were women that agreed with her. On another site, a woman said “Who cares if you can relate to her more because she’s fat (and she is.) Her face is pretty but her body is another thing. Models are models because they look good and take great photos…stop lowering the standards to make yourselves feel better.” And ya know what? Yup, there were women that agreed with her too.

So, a lil something to think about while you are making your decision on this- according to a vast array of resources, the average US woman wears a size 14. Ashley Graham, the Ford Model in the Lane Bryant commercial is a size 16. Alessandra Ambrosio, one of the models that Victoria’s Secret uses most, is a US size 4.

Women come in all shapes and sizes and we buy bras and underwear. As consumers we buy MANY things. Hell, we’re known as “shoppers.” The way we are targeted in advertising in general is a whole debatable topic in itself. But it is this one example that I am using. Not only is the banning of this commercial concerning to me, so are the reactions and, in some ways more so, the LACK of reactions. Double standards of any type are a slippery slope. A slope that we as women need to climb, TOGETHER.

Together is one of the main themes in this ever-growing post of mine. Because of the length that it has already achieved, it will be the main topic of my follow up post to this that I have already written. But I want to give you the opportunity to digest this chunk first.

No matter how different every human being is from the next one, the mere fact we are human beings gives us a commonality. There are always things that we can relate to with someone that is even our direct opposite. But to do that means to step out of our comfort zone for some. To do that means to take the time to have an open mind, open eyes, open ears, open heart. The fact that we are all women makes us that much more closer to those commonalities. To similar struggles. Struggles that would be far less if we stopped stabbing each other in the back and knocking each other down.

If we put the Ginsu knives down and stepped away.