I’ve gotten to a point in my life where it truly does take quite a bit to phase me. Most events turn into a tiny dip, lil hill or occasional loop de loop on the roller coaster that is my life. This latest one is gnawing at me a bit though.

It’s at times like these that I wished events in my life were made up. Partially because then they wouldn’t be real. Partially because it is just so bizarre that it would make me pretty damn talented. This is one that combines them both.

I’m having many mixed emotions about moving back to the town I grew up in. It’s only been a week so they are all still very fresh. This is a town I swore I’d never live in. A town I loathed for many reasons. Funny how life works out.

So, this past Friday night I’m getting ready to go out and I notice an e-mail notification pop up for a new message in my Facebook inbox. It’s from a girl I’ve known for years. Decades even. Like basically since the 1st grade. Despite being really close (like BFF forget passing notes, we had a notebook we’d pass) a couple years after graduation we lost touch off and on. We’ve kept in spotty contact for the last five or six years. Even this last year on Facebook, our contact remains pretty here and there. It’s been a couple of months since we’ve really had some solid interaction with each other. When I saw the “OMG too funny” subject, I fully expected the message to be a “Ha ha I heard you moved back!” kind of thing. Oh how I wish it was. Instead I got:

“Hey Nat. . .
*** and I are getting divorced, and we are both on evenfreaksneedlove.com. I just logged onto his account. .i like to help him find dates, and I just saw he winked at you!!! OMG too funny. He is (Insert user name here), his pic is bad, he is cuter in person. And the greatest guy!!! btw i am dating girls now, so that kindof was a problem for our marriage. lol Anyway, thought it was super funny, and if you are lookin for a great guy. . he winked.

BFFKindOfFriendYou’veKnownSinceFirstGrade

WHAT THE FUCK!!?!??!??!! Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

I think I read it like three times before it truly started to sink in. Holy range of emotions batgirl!

Ok…

1) Usually one would get more of an ease into things. Maybe not so much on the divorce part. I think even I’m guilty of dropping that one like a “Yeah, Prick is an abusive fuck and I’m done” kind of bomb. But, the lesbian part is usually not quite sammiched between “BTW” and “LOL.” Truth be told, not an entire shock she’s batting for the home team. Also, she knows me well enough to know I’m the gal that’s going to be supportive and all about whatever makes her happy. Still, lil bit of an ease in to all this is all a sister is askin’ for.

2) Not yet divorced and helping him find dates. That’s…ummm…sweet? Perhaps it is the therapist in me, but they’ve been together far longer than my ex & I were and have kids as well. Now, I don’t really know him, so I could be way off on this, but after years and kids and being told you ain’t sportin’ the right equipment, there’s gotta be some healing time involved there. Even if he wants to jump back on a mare- she’s a new lesbian. Do you really want a rookie pickin’ dates for you?

C) WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR HUSBAND?? There may be a sub clause I’m missing in the chick rule book about suddenly jumping off the heterosexual ship but OMG NO! Beyond creepy!! Beyond wrong!! Like I’m calling a technical foul here! And what the hell must you think of me if you feel I’d be all up on that????

Perhaps I should simply be flattered by this whole situation. Lord knows I am no angel and certainly no prude. But leapin’ jeebus on a pogo stick, even I have a threshold of yuckyness. This done sprinted its happy ass right on past it.

And how does one respond to that message?? My first response of “Are you out of your fucking mind???” was put on the back burner while I let this all sink in and fester a bit. Instead I opted for a much more politely worded version of “WOW. Sorry to hear about your divorce. Congrats on embracing your inner lesbian. The offer to date your husband is very flattering but I’m gonna have to pass because umm.. I’m kinda seeing someone. Yeah. That’s it. Best of luck to ya both. I’m here if you need me, but forgive me for not winking back. What a small, crazy, fucked up lil world we live in.”

Still haven’t heard back from her. Future reunions shall be interesting.

After weeding through an inbox full of insanity on freaksneedlovetoo.com, I actually got one that had some potential. There was a charming awkwardness about his first message. His profile was kind of plain, but there was a tint of hope with the fact that a. he was a single dad (which helps in understanding what goes along w/ the joys of dating moi) and b. he was a geek (in case I haven’t made it clear- geek is WAY HOT to me). So, I pursued back. We e-mailed back and forth for about a week and then actually talked on the phone. It was going really well. Some kick ass commonalities. No obvious red flags of insanity. No attempts at phone sex right off the bat. Stable job. Heard him with is kids and sounded like a really good dad. I’m thinking – “Wow. This might be easier than I thought.” Silly, silly me.

So, after two weeks of talking and such, we finally get to set up an actual date. Oh, and score another big point for him being a huge fan of sushi as well! Yup, a man that wants to take me out for sushi. Day of the date rolls around… a Saturday night. I’m really nervous cuz that’s how I get when I like someone. Total Über Dork Girlie in full effect. Seriously, I know it’s going to fully shock you, but I do get totally shy when it comes to someone I like. I girlied up. Well girlie for me. Yup, a hint of the one hair product I own and actual eyeshadow. I was gussssied.

He arrives. With a dozen roses. Swooon! Ok, I know roses are cliché and if you truly know me, I would dig tulips or daisies more, but omg, total A for effort. Another bonus- I’ll admit, he’s way cuter in person than his pictures. The ride to the sushi restaurant was like two 16 year olds driving on their first date. Both goofy grinning and trying to think of conversation. Eventually, it came though and he started to relax. Me, not so much.

We sit, we chat about what to order. I stay away from any alcohol as I’m the world’s cheapest date so, yeah, not a good idea. No matter how much I’m thinking it would sedate the butterflies. Waitress takes the order and we slip into more comfortable chit chat. Silly stuff, music (I inflicted Puscifer on him and turns out we were both at the same Beastie Boys concert at the same time), TV (we both actually watch Hell’s Kitchen). Food comes, we dig in. Doing good so far…

Talk of TV shows continues as I mention I rarely watch TV. Then he asks “Have you ever watched the show ‘Intervention’?” I’ve got a sushi and woo hoo this date is going good kind of buzz so my brain isn’t processing quite as quickly as it normally does. I respond “I’ve seen a couple of episodes and thought it was pretty good. Sad, but they mean well.” Then it comes…

“I’m going to be on it.” * CHOKE * I feebly attempt a recover and blame it on a chunk of wasabi. “Really, you are?” Him: “Yeah, they were out like two weeks ago to film.” I’m doing math in my head and even w/ a sushi high, I know that’s right when we started talking. Me (trying not to panic yet): “ Wow. So.. umm..were you one of the interventers?” I’m thinking “Fuct if I care that’s not a word and please say yes.” He laughs. “Oh my gosh, yeah. Ha ha no, I wouldn’t be here if I was the main subject.” * HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF* Me: “* giggle* Yeah, I guess not. Well, unless it was vastly unsuccessful, but that doesn’t make for good TV. So, was it one of your friends?” Him: “No, it was for the kids’ mom.” * instant stomach knot * He continues: “It was really crazy. They came out to the house and interviewed us and then took her off to a rehab in Florida. So, she’s there now until she finishes detox.” * gulp * * head spinning * Me: “W O W. Um.. then what?” He’s missing my meaning of then what and replies “Then they come back and shoot some follow up footage. It’s not gonna air until Fall. I’ll totally let you know when it’s on. Oh! Maybe we can watch it together!” I close my eyes, count to ten in Japanese (seemed fitting) and shake my head like an Etch a Sketch in an attempt to clear it. * deep breath * Me: “So, was she living with you at the time they came to film this?” Him: “Yeah. We’ve been off and on again for years. But, I’m thinking this time is the last straw.” Me, just being me at this point, “So Sid, does Nancy know you’re on a date now?” Him: “ Hiuh?”

Waitress, I’ll have that drink now.. Jack & diet and oh.. make it a double. PLEASE.

Yup…who knew I’d meet me a celebrity? Damn right I’ll post the link for the episode when it airs. We can pop some corn and watch the train wreck together. Good times.

I’m a “rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones” kind of gal. That and the ex was/is an ASSHOLE of epic proportions. EPIC. So, not one single tiny atom of regret for putting the kibosh on the marriage. I did so knowing I may spend the rest of my life alone and I damn sure was going to be the sole parent in charge of the monkeys. For years, I’ve told everyone I am a crazy cat lady in training. I’ve got the two kitty spinster starter kit going now and I would be fab at it. In fact, my newest therapy in life is knitting, so they would be the most fashionably dressed 933 cats in the tricounty area. I’ve recently added my font whorishness to the mix and am planning on monogramming those bad boys each in a different font. And you doubted I’d be fab at it?

Well, a couple of months ago some of my posse, my peeps, my home skillets decided it was creepin’ them out and I “needed” to start dating. I don’t take well to being told what to do, even outta love. I can be quite the stubborn biotch. But, it did get me thinkin’… cats aren’t as fun to cuddle with and friends look at you weird when you try to make out with them. Ok, most of them. So, I succumbed. Got me a profile on a free dating site and oh the fresh hell that awaited me. I’ll be blogging them freak by freak in the future.

The one thing I still won’t cave on though is my profile. The horde of cupids on crack that I call my nearest and dearest insist it is too “weird.” My response continues to be- “If they can’t hang with my profile, they’re not going to be able to hang with me. Period. It’s ME. ” I lay it all on the line upfront. I know I have the trifecta kiss of dating death- 1.Single Mom 2. I’m a curvy girl. 3. I’m quirky as hell. But, it’s how I roll. Somewhere there is a man who is brave enough to ride the crazy coaster, complete with two extra cars. Who knows, he may be closer than I think. But if not… this girl has a backup plan……

MyProfile (that is such an utter abomination) that’s on the dating site:

I used to beat up the kids that picked on the “special students” during recess. Now I work with those with chronic mental illness.

I speak quite a few languages, enjoy coed naked underwater basket weaving, have an addiction to Sushi and humor is my defense mechanism.

Arrogant people make my right eye twitch.

Other than that, I’m just me.

Honestly though, I’m kind of a quirky girl. I’m ambidextrously brained, I will knit for tattoos, I am the friend that everyone comes to for advice and bail money. I pride myself on keeping my eyes, ears, heart and mind open. Making me laugh goes a long way with me, I think the brain is the sexiest organ and I’m the kinda gal you can take anywhere and I”ll have a good time. Now I just need a good partner in crime 😉

If you’re still reading this… woo hoo! Another thing that’s important to know about me- I’m a really honest person. What you see is what you get with me- I don’t play games. I honestly just don’t think I’m even wired to be able to. So, I’ll rip off the rest of the band aid for ya now..

1. I am a single mom. I know that’s a frightening thing for some guys and I understand why it would be. But, it’s what I am. I’m good at it too and my lil monkeys rock. They are way cool, tons of fun and sooo loving. So, yeah, a serious relationship with me eventually means a package deal. It’s a good package though 🙂

2. I’m a curvy girl. My hourglass comes with a ghetto booty at the moment. But, I work out frequently, eat healthy and am really active. While I am a bit of a work in progress so to speak, I’m also comfortable, confident and take pride in who I am.

If you’ve stuck it out this far, are thinkin’ “hmmm…I think I can hang with this..” and aren’t into the whole game thing… say hi. 🙂

Oh and not being psycho would be a HUGE plus 🙂