It amazes me how alike and yet how different my monkeys are. They are both undeniably my daughters in so very many ways. Personality-wise, there is almost nothing of their father in them. Trust me, that’s not a bad thing.

Both are strong and feisty in their own right. Lilest is my rebel, bold and proud of who she is and will defend herself and her sister in less than a heartbeat. Eldest monkey is equally proud of who she is, will womp an army if they even look at her sister cross-eyed, but will not stand up for herself. Both willing to bend, to change, to break for no one. Yet one remains silent when faced with someone who feels it is okay to diminish her feelings or bully her. She will merely stand silent and take it. I used to think she had inherited the trait from me. I will take a lot of shit from people before I finally say I’ve had enough and snap. Mess with someone I love though and it’s on like Donkey Kong. And over before you know it.

Yesterday, I realized I was wrong.

Eldest came home from school Monday and told me one of her classmates (I’m gonna refer to him as Eddie, cuz I swear he’s the bastard son of Eddie Haskel) pushed her at recess. Huge step for her. I asked to her tell me what happened. Turns out Eddie kept telling her to kiss another male classmate (Eldest’s BFF actually) and she refused to. So the little shit pushed her. Each time she said no to giving BFF a smooch, Eddie would push her down. When I asked her what she did, she replied “I just kept getting up.” When I asked her why she didn’t go get one of the teachers at recess, she said she didn’t want to be a “tattle tale.” Grrr… the guidance counselor had talked to them last week about “tattle tales.” One of the guidelines to when you should tell was only if someone was getting hurt. In Eldest’s head, she wasn’t physically hurt from the push, therefore she shouldn’t tell. Good job guidance counselor.

So we had a chat. I explained right off the bat that NO ONE has the right to hurt or to push her. That just because the push wasn’t physically hurting her, it still hurt her feelings and her feelings were even more important than her body to some extent. A scraped knee heals quicker sometimes.

We formulated a plan.

First push- she points at him and in the biggest voice she has says “NO! Eddie that is NOT OKAY! You do NOT have the right to push me!” Even if he stops, she tells her teacher what happened.

Second push- she goes to get a teacher.

If he tries to push her or stop her in any way from getting a teacher, I told her to push his ass back. That’s right. This is a point I would end up fighting with her teacher on. My point, bottom line- my children will know that if ANYONE tries to physically restrain them from getting help, they have the RIGHT to physically defend themselves. Period. Cuz one day it may not be lil Eddie. It may be someone bigger and far more dangerous. So, yeah, kick his lil ass monkey.

Tuesday she comes home. And yup, Eddie pushed her again. She stuck her finger out and she stated her case. Then he pushed her again. Then she forgot what number two was. So, we went over it again. I also made it clear that while I wanted her to address this with her teacher and would giver her the opportunity to do so, that I as going to step in if it happened again. On the way to school Wednesday, we went through the steps again. This time at recess she forgot all of them. So, yesterday morning I stepped in.

And then it hit me. It wasn’t that Eldest had inherited this trait from me. She had LEARNED it from me. It was all my fault.

This week there has been a situation going on in my life that has echoed some things that have happened to me in the past. Wednesday night I had made the realization that I was allowing myself to react to them in a similar way as I had and it bothered me. I had made a plan to change that. While writing Eldest’s teacher, the realization beat me over the head that some of her earliest memories of me are what has caused her to be the way she is right now.

While Eldest monkey was only two and a half when I finally got the courage to end my marriage, she was a very smart two and a half. And she remembers it quite clearly. In fact, no one is allowed to use the word stupid around me because of that. You see I say my ex was an asshole of epic proportions. What I have yet to mention is that he was a huge bully and incredibly abusive. One of his favorite things to do was invent new ways to call me stupid. “What did you eat a big fucking bowl of stupid for breakfast?” Despite that fact that I worked full time and did literally everything around the house, “useless bitch” was one of his favorite pet names. He couldn’t even wake up for work on his own, I was his “alarm clock” and he was a mean man in the morning. If he was late, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I will spare you all the gory details.

He was constantly yelling and screaming at me and in my defensive mode, I kept thinking “don’t fight back.” At the time, in my head, I didn’t want the girls to see us fighting. I thought if I just stood there and took it, it would end quicker. And it chipped away at me day by day. Little by little I began to lose who I was. Something I’d swore I’d never do. Then one day Eldest came into the kitchen and says “Mommy, what’s that noise?” I say “It’s daddy, he’s home and outside snowblowing the driveway.” She FREAKED. Eldest became hysterical and yelled “I DON’T WANT DADDY TO BE HOME!! I HATE IT WHEN HE’S HOME MOMMY!!” And that was it. It took a couple more weeks for me to formulate a safe “escape plan” and get him out of the house.
But in my attempt to shield them from giant, ugly and potentially very frightening , violent fights, I had taught Eldest that it was okay to take that. It was okay to allow someone to treat her that way. To bully her. To not stand up for herself.

And you have no idea how much it hurts to know I have done that.

So, I have a brand new plan. It is up to me to lead by example. To be the change. To end the cycle. To stand up for myself. To acknowledge when people are treating me in a way I do not deserve and to vocalize it and back it up with actions. To cut ties with those that feel it is okay to bully me. To diminish my feelings. Or use me as an ego boost when no one else is paying them attention. Those that are used to getting away with things because I allow them to.

One of our Monkey Family Rules is “If you’re having a bad day, you can still turn it around. You can take a deep breath, a step back and yell ‘FLIP IT!’ And start it over and do it right.”

I am using my “FLIP IT!”

All below text was from an email I received from Loop. There was no way to post a link, so I’m passing it along this way. Knitting takes balls and heart. Spread the love. 🙂

KNIT A LOOP OF LOVE AROUND HAITI

Calling all who knit and crochet and who want to make a difference in the immediate medical needs of Haitians injured during the earthquake.

Join children and teachers who knit and crochet at the UWM Children’s Center in a knit-a-thon!

Do quick knit/crochet projects for children, adults, and college students (e.g., hats, gloves, scarves, shawls, toys, etc.) to be sold to raise money for much needed medical supplies.

These projects will be sold in a fundraiser organized by the children of UWM on Feb. 12th to support the Haitian Community Hospital (L’Hôpital de la Communauté Haïtienne), located in Petionville, Haiti (www.haitihosp.org). Drop off your donated projects at the Loop Yarn Shop (2963 N. Humboldt, 265-2312, next to Alterra) between Jan. 21 and Feb. 8th. For information or questions, contact Liz Drame at liz.drame@gmail.com .

I genuinely love this time of year. Like mad, crazy love it. For sooo very many reasons. The snow. The mistletoe. The twinkling lights. The little old ladies with obnoxious sweaters that play jingle bells and ho ho ho at you. The cocoa. The giant catalogue of music devoted to it. The old school, new school, cheesy as all get out Christmas programs. Most of all, I love the love. The spirit of giving that commercialism and society has done it’s best to bastardize. I refuse to allow them to ruin it for me and everyone that I come in contact with. Yes, I am the woman that smiles and says “Happy Holidays!” to everyone. With all honesty, I confess that if any one of the mythical wish granting creatures came to me and said “You have one wish, anything you want, what’s it gonna be girlie?” I would say “I wish that on Christmas morning everyone on this planet, everywhere, no matter what faith they embrace, no matter what beliefs they hold dear, no matter how naughty or nice they are, would wake up and find the one thing that would make them truly happy wrapped with a pretty bow waiting just for them.

All of this should be all year round though. Ok, maybe not the snow. But, that love. That feeling of genuine good will toward others that this time of year reminds us all is so important. Yup, the love. I so wish that would remain all the days of the year.

If you know me at all, you know that our lil monkey family motto is “We’re all about the love.” Not just love for each other, but love for everyone else. So, this is our time of year so to speak. All year long we give love to those whose paths cross ours, but this time of year, people are much more receptive to it. The monkeys have fully embraced the mission and are so good at it. They love to smile at everyone and yell “Happy Holidays!!” And it never fails to bring a smile. Their absolute favorite thing to do though, is accost every bell ringer, every red bucket keeper. My laundry quarter supply has already long been exhausted and if they even remotely see a single in my wallet, they claim it. When they are done gleefully putting whatever I have in the bucket, they always hug the person with the bell, thank them and give them the big ole “happy holidays.” I love that about them. Of course this means that I need to really start budgeting for a “bucket fund” every year now, but where it goes, what it does and the monkey cry “MOMMMMMY THERE’S A BUCKET!!!!” is so worth it.

Even though I love all of this, it’s not easy. There are days when I have to struggle to feel it. To remember why it’s so important. The motto exists, in part, not just to teach them an important life lesson, but to remind myself as well. In some ways, I am selflishly creating my own little cheerleaders.

One of the reasons it’s not easy is I’m waging this lil happy love war on my own. When I say I’m a single mom, I mean single. Their father is an ass of epic proportions and for many reasons. He sees them four days a month at most. Of course he made it a point to have joint custody on paper so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. He’s yet to actual uphold the “joint” in any way, shape or form. In fact, he doesn’t even talk to them the weeks in between visits. All of that I just can’t fathom at all. But, every time he breaks a promise, every time he takes them for a weekend and ignores them while they are there, every time one has a birthday and he completely fails to acknowledge it, it’s me that has to make up for it. To try to explain to them that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them. They’re getting smarter too and it’s becoming so much harder to come up with answers. All I can do is do the best that I can and try not to remember that they deserve so much more. Ironically I am like the Grinch. My little Cindy Loos look at me and sweetly say “Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?” And I attempt to cleverly spit out a convincing reason they will buy, knowing in my heart, it may not be right.

This is something I know I am not alone in. Not even close. This time of year is said to be for the children. Those of us, no matter what our circumstances are, with children want to make it the most magical time ever for them. The pressures of life as an adult don’t go away at all so we can do so. In fact, sometimes they are more glaringly obvious this time of year. Whether it’s broken relationships, financial stress, that pang of hurt that loved ones lost are not around to celebrate with you or any of the myriad of struggles we are all facing in this crazy thing called life, this time of year can amplify them. So we bobble back and forth and sometimes just fight to keep our heads above water some days. Which makes that little smile, that little “Happy Holidays” so much more important.

Besides the red bucket rampage, we have developed another monkey family holiday mission. We find something to do as a family to help other people. Last year it was picking a name and item for a child in need and going shopping for it and wrapping it together. This year, I have been lucky enough to be drawn to something I feel embraces exactly what we all need this time of year. We as in not just the monkey family, but ALL of us in the area. Yup, all us lil human creatures, great and small.

I had the really good fortune recently of being introduced to an amazing woman named Bernadette Xiong, or Coach Bx as you may know her. She is all about making a difference in peoples lives and that in and of itself is a reason to love this woman. This holiday season, she has come up with an event that is a two-part bundle of wonderful. It takes place on Saturday, December 19th from 2pm-5pm and not only offers so much for those that attend, it continues to give that on to one of the amazing sponsors of the event.

It’s called “Healing Your Heart: A Hopeful Holiday Event.”

Earn a smile while giving one to a child.

Challenging finances, marriages, relationships and family are all difficult subjects to handle alone. This event will provide parents and children fun ways to heal the heart by channeling that energy through artistic and creative means including:

Arts & Crafts
Santa Claus Toy Drive for Charity
Bake Sale & Cookie Decorating
Face Painting, Balloons and Games
Complimentary Gift Wrapping for Those That Donate a Toy
Words from the Heart by Coach Bx

The sponsor I mentioned that will be receiving the toys to distribute is COA Youth and Family Centers. COA Youth & Family Centers helps Milwaukee children, teens, and families reach their greatest potential through a continuum of educational, recreational, and social work programs offered at its urban community centers and rural camp facility. They have been serving children, strengthening families and building community since 1906.

To top it all off- it’s being hosted at Independence First. Another sponsor who is making such a difference in peoples lives. Are you sensing a theme here? IndependenceFirst is a non-profit agency directed by, and for the benefit of, persons with disabilities, primarily serving the four county metropolitan Milwaukee area. Their agency mission is to effectively facilitate empowerment of individuals with disabilities through:

Education, Advocacy, Independent Living Services, and Coalition Building

They promote diversity and multicultural participation in our operation and services.

The four “core” services offered are: independent living skills training, peer counseling, advocacy, and information and referral services to persons with disabilities in the counties of Waukesha, Washington, Ozaukee, and Milwaukee. IndependenceFirst provides services to persons with disabilities of ALL kinds, throughout ALL age groups.

Topping off the list of incredible sponsors is MilwaukeeMoms.com. If there is anyone that understands the good, the bad, the ugly and the bliss of being a parent, it’s MilwaukeeMoms.com. When MetroParent and MilwaukeeMoms.com say “making life just a little bit easier…” they mean it! They are a resource and fountain of sanity for moms and dads alike.

To say the monkeys and I are beyond excited to be helping out with the arts and crafts for this event is an understatement. And because we are indeed all about the love, we have a challenge for you. That’s right. We are challenging YOU. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to join us in our holiday mission this year. Be a part of something great. Any part you can. Ultimately, my hope is you will all come to this event. Stop by and FEEL the love. the healing. Give a smile. Can’t make it? Sponsor someone who can! Read this and pass it on. Follow @CoachBx. Retweet, repost, reblip. Come up with your own posts that include the links. Add the twibbon to your avatar. Use the #HealYourHeart .

I don’t ask a lot of the people around me. I’m not one of those please RT or repost all the timers. This time I am though. I really believe this is important.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to show me the love. Spread it wide, spread it far. And by gosh by golly, Happy Holidays everyone!

Important links:

Space is limited for this event, so you MUST register in advance. To do so, please use this link.

If you are on Twitter- let other tweeps know you are coming! Respond to the Twitvite here.

Better yet, whether you are able to make it or not, add a Twibbon to support #HealYourHeart here.

Our lovely sponsors:

For more information on COA Youth & Family Centers, please visit their site here.

For more information on IndependenceFirst, you may visit their site here.

For more information MilwaukeeMoms.com and to help make your life a little bit easier, visit their site here.

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, witty antidotes or toys to share, please do not hesitate to contact me. You should also definitely start following @CoachBx cuz yeah, she rocks. While you’re at it, check out her site here.